So, I get discouraged some times...I'm tired of waking up to the same struggles, temptations, etc. I just feel like it should get easier sometimes...

& currently, I'm learning a lot about myself. It seems like everyday, God points out something else about me that I didn't believe was a problem once before...

Don't get me wrong, I like the truth, but when I continue to look TRUTH in the eyes, day after day, I feel incompetent.

I said once before, you never know what's hindering you until you try to grow...& now that I'm actually grow'n, I'm run'n into a lot of brick walls...walls I believed had been knock'd down already or even brand new walls...it gets discouraging.

This whole trusting thing man...smh. It's a lifestyle...a lifestyle I must live.

I told God, "How far can I really get? I keep trying, but there's always an epiphany waiting for me...showing me I'm not even close to where I wanna be...so, how far can I really get?"

He says to me, "As far as you trust me to take you...you can go FAR!...your final destination will be the point you stop trusting me."

(I love when He answers me. That encourages me.)

I feel like just walking away....

#vulnerable

One things that scares me is my attachment to people & I have yet to realize what that traces back to...
I hate it man...I don't like letting others so close to me that them possibly leaving me can hurt me...I'm all for grow'n with people, but isn't that seasonal?
To be honest, I can't take people leaving me...I can't. It hurts me.
& I like to shield myself from all avenues of possible pain.
That's why I try not to get attached to folks...

attachment: affiliated, connected.

It's good to be connected to people...& affiliate...that means you're not alone. but attached tho? that just doesn't sit right with me...

It wasn't until I tried to let people in, did I realize all the walls surrounding my heart.

Maybe It's Just Me...

Maybe it's just me...but I have a limit when it comes to trusting people. I even have a lil motto...lol.

"I trust everyone to be who they've shown me they are."
Meaning, if you show me I can't call you when I'm stranded, then I'll trust that you'll let me down when I need you. Or if I've told you something before that wasn't supposed to get repeated & people start to find out, then I'm gonna trust that you can't hold water. On a lighter note, if you've shown me that you're genuine & even been there to get me together when I break down, then I can trust you in that manner.

But one thing I realized today is that there's a cap on how much I trust people...even the ones that are the CLOSEST to me...even the ones I feel I know the best & can trust the most to be real.

I've capped the ability to let anyone in.......I rarely ever open up and speak on me; I much rather speak on others that have impacted me...I wear my heart on my sleeve, so it's not that I fear get'n hurt. I fear people see'n me like I see me...I fear allowing others to form their own opinion on me. I wanna play apart in it. I wanna portray myself in such a manner that pleases me...For so long, I've refused to appear broken, vulnerable, etc. Because I've been here too long.....

Conversations about me can only go so far before I'm pacing around the room saying..."Ok...drop it...I feel uncomfortable"...(even with the people I'm the closest to.) I've refused to let them behind that veil...

The crazy thing is, I know the truth! I know I'm not what I've done...God has even revealed to me why I've done certain things & what it traces back to...

Just like this traces back to something pretty deep......it traces back to the times of abuse...it traces back to me sitting at my Grandmother's brown coffee table writing everything down in my diary...but as soon as I finished my last sentence, I destroyed that diary in fear of someone look'n down on me...

I didn't want them to see me as that "nothing" that intruders made me feel like...

& that was probably the very day that I made up in ma mind that I had to keep somethings covered...& even tho I'm free from all I've done, I still have the same mentality...

It has to go....!

"SILENCE IS DEADLY" by Official P4CM Poet Ezekiel

P4CM: We are GENERATION EX!

I'ma #ex

Look past the surface of wat the shirt reads...
look at my heart...
I supressed my entire past...
felt unloved...
limited forms of positive attention...
abused in every way...
didn't want to feel the pain any more.............
so I turned to marijuanna......
but God showed me His love...
taught me the truth about my life!
& now I'ma #ex...
going back for the others!
#breakthesilence