Maybe It's Just Me...

Maybe it's just me...but I have a limit when it comes to trusting people. I even have a lil motto...lol.

"I trust everyone to be who they've shown me they are."
Meaning, if you show me I can't call you when I'm stranded, then I'll trust that you'll let me down when I need you. Or if I've told you something before that wasn't supposed to get repeated & people start to find out, then I'm gonna trust that you can't hold water. On a lighter note, if you've shown me that you're genuine & even been there to get me together when I break down, then I can trust you in that manner.

But one thing I realized today is that there's a cap on how much I trust people...even the ones that are the CLOSEST to me...even the ones I feel I know the best & can trust the most to be real.

I've capped the ability to let anyone in.......I rarely ever open up and speak on me; I much rather speak on others that have impacted me...I wear my heart on my sleeve, so it's not that I fear get'n hurt. I fear people see'n me like I see me...I fear allowing others to form their own opinion on me. I wanna play apart in it. I wanna portray myself in such a manner that pleases me...For so long, I've refused to appear broken, vulnerable, etc. Because I've been here too long.....

Conversations about me can only go so far before I'm pacing around the room saying..."Ok...drop it...I feel uncomfortable"...(even with the people I'm the closest to.) I've refused to let them behind that veil...

The crazy thing is, I know the truth! I know I'm not what I've done...God has even revealed to me why I've done certain things & what it traces back to...

Just like this traces back to something pretty deep......it traces back to the times of abuse...it traces back to me sitting at my Grandmother's brown coffee table writing everything down in my diary...but as soon as I finished my last sentence, I destroyed that diary in fear of someone look'n down on me...

I didn't want them to see me as that "nothing" that intruders made me feel like...

& that was probably the very day that I made up in ma mind that I had to keep somethings covered...& even tho I'm free from all I've done, I still have the same mentality...

It has to go....!