It's Time.

It’s about time I stepped up an accepted the responsibility of this call.

It forces me to grow up, because you want to reach people three times my age, but through me. That’s going to require a huge level of maturity and integrity that I don’t believe I possess at the time. But my heart is with the kids. I want to do whatever I can to make a difference in their lives…instead of moping & complaining about not having somewhere there for me to help and guide me. I’m convinced that God wanted it that way, because now I’ll do whatever I must to make sure no one else has to go through that. It’s time I stop trying to skate through and really walk with God. I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that it’s not about me…I don’t want to split the glory anymore. That was my dream once upon a time…to finally prove myself…& if I could use your platform to do so, then so be it. Terrible concept, but that was my mindset. I wasn’t familiar with “not letting my left hand know what myr right hand was doing.” I couldn’t get with that…but now I realize, the harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few. I just need to be a laborer. Not an advertisement.

I’m just saying…I don’t want to do the same thing Satan did. He was chosen...given a very important job. He worked alongside you…but he wanted to split the glory. He wanted credit for what he did. He wanted to be noticed and seen. He wanted followers himself…to be lifted up…his pride start’d small & then snowball’d out of control, until he got kick’d out. Lord, because of what Adam & Eve did, I have the same potential and capabilities to completely defile your pulpit and lift up myself, and be kicked out of your presence forever. Lord, I don’t want that. Nightmare.

This is where I stand: I have many desires pulling me every which way at the moment. But God, I know that if I choose to follow my own plan and live without you, I’ll be living a lie…trying to force it into a fairy tale, and that’s just not the way life was designed. Though I’m still in this flesh, I am going to deny all of me, because there’s a greater work to be done. And that work doesn’t require my ideas, input, relationships, capabilities, etc. It only requires my obedience. As my mentor told me,” It’s time to walk in radical obedience.” Lord, I can’t say that I’m completely ready. But if I “wait till I am”, then I’ll never move.

I am excited though. Even though some decisions are painful to make. But they’re extremely necessary. Just as necessary as pain.

So Lord, take my yes and test it however you please. That’ll build character and integrity in me. I’m focused on the long term side of the struggles, trial, and pain. Jesus had to go through EVERYTHING a heavy heart could bear…but it pleased you, because your plan was fulfilled.

I remember reading a scripture and I imagined myself in it. That made it read:

“JaNishia, do you love me?”

“Yes Lord. I do.”

“Well feed my sheep.”

And Lord, I do love you.

Here I am to show you.