If the truth be told, I took a "season off" of the work I know I'm supposed to be doing.

I had become such a leader and it was quite lonely. However, I enjoyed it for the time being, but I was not at all eager to carry it over into Nashville.

I always feel alone when I'm at school and I refused to sign up for the same I needed time away from full time ministry and I figured God would understand.

It's four months later and I'm ready to begin again. I figured out what was missing...because my desire never left, my gift never left, my drive never left, etc. But the key I never possessed was courage.

Now, my Uncle taught me on this some time ago. He told me, "We always hear 'Encourage Yourself' and we think that means 'Keep the faith until you get the happy ending you're hoping for'. But that's not it. You know what it means to take courage? It means to know that things will get rough sometimes, but live or die, be sold out to God and trust his judgement."

This explanation, along with other examples he used, changed my perception of courage forever & tonight, I realized that I was lacking this principle.

Things have been rough and painful, but I'm ready to move forward. There will be more painful experiences to come, I'm sure, but I'm down for the cause.

"For Christ I live. For Christ I die."
-Courage

Reasoning.

Haven't blogged in a good while! It's a reason for that. I haven't cared in a while...

I've lost my head, lost myself, lost my focus, lost my voice, (& I can probably go in & on with this)...

But one thing I never lost was my purpose. I find myself "getting lost" in it quite often. Meaning: filling my time with all that I believe is tied to my destiny, i.e. spending countless hours with people, heart to heart moments, journaling, writing, etc. I figured it's my road back home...

I actually plan to blog like three times a week in this upcoming year. I plan to be much more stable. A lot has happened, but I'm more than ready to move forward.

2011 can die without me.

5:20

The Influence of A Tomboy

In my younger days, I was comfortable with the tag of being called a "Tom Boy." I figured it was because I wore my brothers hand me downs or played sports. It never really bothered me, because everyone was considered to be a Tom Boy. But everyone seemed to outgrow it much quicker than I did... Which left me thinking..."what's wrong with me?" God showed me how it all started tho...

I can honestly say that the men in my family have a lot more influence in my life than the women do. It was my Grandfather that taught me how to manage money, that sat the standards for my schooling, that told me and showed me I could do whatever I wanted to do; that deposited so much into me. It was my Uncle who showed never ending support for all I did, that took the time to correct me when I was rebelling, that took me out to spend time with me "just because"; & that's still here. It was my Father that broke down the walls I put up against my parents, that showed me I could talk to him about whatever, that showed me I could trust him above all. & not to mention I was raised with brothers, rather than sisters...



But it was the broken women in my family that hurt me in an effort to feel better about themselves. It was the women in my family that led me to believe I could trust them and that they would be there always,...until their emotions shifted. It was the women that verbally abused me, that wanted to be my "friend" so they had me around things I should have never seen in my childhood, that taught me how to be insecure, that didn't know the meaning of "Love" because the other women in their lives couldn't teach them...



I knew I obviously need this influence in my life, being that I am, in fact, a woman. But I couldn't trust them jokers for the life of me...they never failed me when it came to failing me. I still loved them, but I just couldn't trust them further than I could throw them. So, for all the qualities I desired to possess, I looked past them.



When I looked for loyalty, trust, love, stability, courage, a strong faith, etc., I looked at my Father, Uncles & Grandfathers and modeled myself after them. A child chooses role models based on the qualities they want to possess. I wanted to be nothing like those broken, feeble minded, unloving women...



I'm now 21 and I find that a lot of my mannerisms and mindsets are that of my Father, Uncles, & Grandfathers. And now I'm fortunate enough to have a stable relationship with my Mother, a few good Aunts and a Ladylike Mentor that keep telling me to "soften up." It's not as easy as they make it sound, but I'm grateful that I'm not yet set in my ways...



Anything is possible with God. & I do want to change. Because it's a strain...it's a defense mechanism against brokenness. I just wanted to attain the success and all, but I must first accept wholeness.





I'm grateful for God revealing this to me. & I'm sure He'll see it all through. He doesn't tease.

Lab.

There's a production coming up on August 5th and I have to write a piece on rejection. I'm honored to be apart of the production, hands down. But what a topic...I gotta dig for that one. & I'm not sure what I'ma run into.

Can't say that I'm afraid. This could be good for me. This whole "spoken word" thing is really take'n off...I'm just focused on Christ always remaining the center of it.

I just really want this piece to come from a deep place, because rejection ain't no shallow topic. Everybody's felt it, so I want everybody to feel it again that night.

My nights are filled with thoughts of you.
& my days with memories.
We have been since time began.
Hard to believe that now we're history...

& it hurts.

To think back on all the work we put in.
& to try to count how many times we promised we'd never end.
I lost a friend...

& it hurts.

To know we were cautious, but still had a crash landing.
I wish we could've seen this from the beginning...
Would've been more cautious approaching the ending.

& it hurts.

To ride through our old spots without you...
Now, I gotta settle for the drive-thru.
This is what my days & nights have come to.

& it hurts.

To accept the truth.
To embrace what's new.
& to put my heart & soul on this paper, because I can't give it to you.

& it hurts.

I Wish.

I wish I would've met you before I met people. I would've modeled myself after you rather than them...I would've known that love actually is patient...& kind. I wouldn't have had to look any further for all I needed...wouldn't have had to run from person to person, hoping that they possess a part of me that I need. I would've known to just trust you...

I would value your opinion more than anyone else's...I would read my Word more. When you spoke, there wouldn't be any room to question anything. I wouldn't be so obsessed with timing either. I would've been learned to just chill...just relax and know you got me.

We would've had an amazing, intimate relationship. I'd be better at dealing with pain. We hurt you all the time, but you never take your heart from us...you just keep right on loving. You are love & I wish I could've met you before I met people.

Jesus met You first, & clearly, He was better off...