"Unforgiveness is like lighting yourself on fire and hoping the one that hurt you dies of smoke inhalation."

-Author Unknown

04.28.

I almost lost this one...

That hit me hard! Harder than I expected it to...so I decided to call it a night.

I knew very well what I was doing; I was giving up.

I lied down and cried...& just lied there...knowing that I wasn't going to feel any stronger in the morning if I went to sleep that way...(& that made me cry harder.) Knowing I should get up, but strength was no where to be found. So, I just lied there...acknowledging the fact that I'm physically (& spiritually) tired...acknowledging that I'm hurt & that I have every right to be...I'm discouraged & feel as if I can't go on...but then I remembered how my aunt explained to me how important it is to deal with unforgiveness and anger before proceeding to the next day. So then I knew I had to do something...

Miraculously, strength arrived. So, I got up. I realized that everyone hurts...& whether the pain is intentional or not, everyone needs a Saviour. Needs the Saviour. Therefore, who am I to not forgive?

It hurts, but I can't be in my feelings during this season...during this process. So, God...take my withered heart and just hold it for me. Because I don't want it in my hands during this time...

I Love You.

& with everything (that's not in me), I trust You.

To Whom It May Concern:

To everyone who dipped out on me:

I'm not gonna say "Thank You." Instead, I'm sorry you missed my growth. & that's not in a sarcastic tone either...just saying. I've grown...

I guess I needed you during that particular season, but I can't say that you're missed now. What I mean is I don't miss the pain you caused me...that's all I remember about you now.

Saw you the other day & I'm glad to see you're doing well! Still care for you a great deal...still would be there if you called...but I just couldn't stand around any longer...just being another piece of furniture in the home of a hoarder.

I had to live for me.

"Then" was goodbye...Now is "I'm sorry you missed the process"...it could've blessed you.

Wounded Soldiers.

My aunt told me that "A wounded soldier that stays down lies there to die."

But it's so comfortable...& numb. You're lying in death, BUT you still have a choice. You can get up when you're ready...

But the longer you stay down, the more reasons you find to get up later...the more you believe you don't deserve better. But in reality, those same parts that are hurt are necessary to assist you in getting up.

You're gonna feel it on the way up...you're gonna feel that pain if you chose to move. But what weakens you when you're down, will make you stronger once you get up...

But it all starts with a choice...

Don't take life personal if it's all spiritual.

No Pain...No Gain.

"The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak."

Mystery of Mirrors.

I wonder who invented mirrors?...we trust them so much. We have so much faith in them. But why? They cant tell the whole truth...they're only surface deep...only shows you the outside. I wonder why God only allows others to actually be able to look at us. Probably the same reason it's not good for men to be alone...we need each other.

Someone that loves you can call you out on what you're trying to hide, bring clarity to what you really can't see, & watch your back because the mirror can't see that. The mirror can't tell you when you're not yourself, but it can support you in believing a lie. It can help you front, but somebody that really loves you is gonna call your bluff; ain't gon play along. That darn mirror...so deceiving.

Thank God for real people that'll put it all on the line to get through to you. Mirrors can't do that...they're too distant...they can't move; they'll always serve the same purpose in your life. Now, I'm not saying they're not necessary, but not in the manner that we use them. But you know what is necessary tho? Ask a loved one how they really see you. & just because they really know you, it'll bring encouragement. They'll speak over your life. And whether you like what they say or not, it's the truth & that's something the mirror can't offer you...

& Be careful who you ask, because their words will be quite useless if they give you some shallow answer that you could've gotten from the mirror. Take courage & ask someone you know will be real with you. It'll bless you for sure.

Don't think too hard. This is surface material.

We've never seen ourselves...only reflections. So we only really have an idea of what we look like. I rather trust a person over a mirror. But we don't... If my appearance is out of line, I rather ask a friend what it is I should fix? But instead, I run to the mirror. But let's go deeper... If I'm out of line, I can read my word...& try to find my reflection...try to fix things up. I can kick it with the wrong crowd, but still find my reflection...live it up. I can look to the world...find my reflection...conform. The choices are mine...I'm just look'n for what I believe I look like. But 9 times out of 10, we're in the mirror. What is it about the mirror tho? It's honest. But able to be persuaded. Meaning, it's gonna show who you are, but you can tuck away what you want to be visible. It's better to walk through life with someone you trust, because they can't be persuaded. A mirror can only capture who you are, but a friend can remind you of who you're gonna be. A friend can't be persuaded...you can't control how the friend sees you. And that friend can really show you who you are...that mirror can only show you what you believe you look like... Because we've never really seen ourselves...only our reflections.

tears.

Tears...

It's so much sown into them.

They can flow from a recent cut

or be shut up behind a dam for over ten years.

Sigh...

Some view them as enemies...

A threat to their reputation.

Others view them as an outlet...

Silent prayers.

Regardless of opinions & interpretations,

Tears exist.

I'd like to think they're stored in the heart.

Flowing over every heart beat...

Waiting to let us know that they're still there.

& When the heart beats a little faster,

Due to one of life's surprises,

They rush to awaken us

& Help us to accept that "that's just life."

Tears...

I thank God for such a blessing...

?

Has been wondering all night & even ask'd around..."Is it possible to care too much? How close it too close?"

Good feedback. It's a given that if you put that person before yourself, then that ain't kool...but if it's actually a healthy relationship, then what are the actual boundries? Are there any?

I believe that if you care at all, then there's not a such thing as caring too much.

But about the closeness...

Tears came to my eyes as I tried to figure it out...I'll let God define that for me.

hands.

I look down at my hands...& I wonder how God can call them clean...

Especially when these are the same hands that have a problem serving you...

The same hands that work against you...

The same hands I'm quick to throw up in disgust when I'm hurting, as I walk away from you...

The same hands that showed me that by displaying the third finger, I can display what's in my heart...

The same hands that have proved to me that my will can be carried out...

I look down at my hands & I wonder how You can call them clean...

I'm sure it has something to do with the current state of your hands...

"JaNishia, you must learn to walk in forgiveness & reconciliation. This is the season you're transitioning into...therefore, those that are close to you will cause you great pain. But be sure not to turn your heart away from them or away from God. Take the pain to God..."

When I first got this message, I was extremely opposed. Those close to me? They mean the world to me! Sometimes I feel like they're all I have. And now you're telling me that might be on the line?! "God, what are you doing?!"

That question has been in the air for quite some time now...

But now I'm learning to trust...which cuts down on all the questioning...

But, in regards to that particular prophecy, it has begun.

I just pray that God covers me and I learn a lot...

Today, I feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be.