another ephphany? really?

I feel like cussing...another epiphany dude! I don't know WHY it didn't dawn on me before!

It's been hell tryna understand why I don't let people in & why I fear them leaving me...it's because of my COUSIN! We went thru our whole life together! literally! even used to dress alike...! only 10 months older than me. Yu didn't see one without the other...& every single problem I had in ma childhood, she had...we swore we would help each other thru life...

When life got too much to handle, we smoked together...we rebelled...lied together. She took care of me dude...when I felt like giving up, she was there. Had ma back...called me out of school at least twice a week so I can ride around with her...& when she saw I wasn't happy, she'd just roll up another...

I let my cousin all the way in...she knew it all! Until she left...now she knows nothing. I looked her in her face the other day & didn't see her...

I wanna refrain from blaming her, because "life happened", but I can't. I just now realized that it hurt me...so let me admit it: it hurt me. I thought we were down forever & yu left me dude...to chase the stuff yu still chasing to this day...hope it was worth it man.

No wonder I answer people kinda rough when they ask have I heard from yu...I'm upset & didn't know.

My life is starting to make sense to me...

I slick feel like Deborah Cox..nobody's supposed to be here dude. I'm supposed to be healing from all the dudes I chose "for the moment"...I ain't even think'n about a relationship...

But I look up...(had to squint to really see)...& here yu are stare'n me in ma face...into my eyes. More affectionate than ever...welcome'n my unknown feelings...#sigh. I feel like I'm in 9th grade all over again...when you snatched my i.d. out of my hand...haha. & since then, we've been thru life together!

We spent my whole break reminiscing on all the times...the fights, the tears, the jokes, the laughs, the relationship. wow...I miss those times. But now I see, they never went anywhere...

All I can say at the point is wow...I wasn't expect'n this just as you weren't, but things have taken a turn over these last couple days & it happened effortlessly...& neither of us mind. We're both actually elated...but now, I have to go back to Nashville...& yu fear that things are gonna change.

I don't.

"Can you look me in the eyes and honestly say you don't love me?" -Deborah Cox.

No, I can't...

It felt so good rolling into town...hadn't been here in a while...

Drove straight to St. Louis University to see them work my guys from TSU...smh. They've always been really good...fundamentally sound. Still sport'd ma TSU gear tho :) After the game, I spent the next hour searching for my car in downtown STL with my two cousins...lolol. Crime rates are hiiiiiiigh, so we definitely thought it got stolen...smh.

Came home! Saw my fam! Felt good...but then my nite start'd to take a little turn...

When it was time to settle down, I walk'd around the house & all these memories start'd to flood ma mind...I walk'd in & out of rooms that I was tormented in...to no end & I began to remember it like it was yesterday. I glanced at the corners that I caved in...it felt so real again. I felt uneasy...had to make myself go to sleep.

It made me feel good when my little cousins told me they missed me...one of my lil cousins ask'd me why I left them & it made my heart D...R...O...P... dude. Explained to him I'm still around & always will be. Later that nite, I pull'd two of my lil girl cousins (14 & 16) into my Uncle's studio & lock'd the door to keep the boys out. I let them talk...they completely opened up to me!...(which shocked me cuz they didn't hold ANYTHING back)...I told them my story & they were SHOCKED...but now they know they got me & I'm here forever...I told 'em..."I turned to the wrong things, because I had so much going on & no one to talk to...let alone someone who understood. I refuse to let that be the case for ya'll."

I got several wake up calls this weekend tho...concerning the law...relationships...man, just life.

Rode around the city...saw the motel that was the hide out/smoke out spot for a minute...look'd my ex "roll dog" in her face as she told me that she now robs people...drove down the street I grew up on...heard that one of the lil boys I fought for stick'n his hand in my double dutch rope was now lock'd up for raping a lil white girl...

I'm glad to be out of this area, even though I miss my family like crazy. I got to see my aunt; she's one of my favorite people in life. I love that lady. Made an effort to spend time wit my Grandmother...I'm crazy about her! Took her to see For Colored Girls...(my second time seeing it & it STILL was the same kind of amazing!)...& we hit up White Castle's! Lol...my little gma♥

Got a few hours left here...wash'n & pack'n. I don't wanna leave man!...& one individual is currently play'n a huge role in me wanting to stay :(

But I gotta hit the road...get back to where I'm supposed to be in this season. Needless to say, I enjoyed my break...learn'd a lot...just need to process it.

Goodnite Illinois.

here we go...

Big Sis: "What's wrong?"

Me: "Life...it gets discouraging...I believe I'm actually ready to open up...I'm start'n to feel like, 'How far can I really get?'...if that makes sense."

Big Sis: "How far can you get without opening up?"

Me: "Basically yea...that's exactly it"...

this is a snippet of a conversation I just had...& it dawned on me...I have to open up. Yu know the whole "Open Up to Grow Up" thing...it's pretty serious. I can embark on this journey of growing up, but how far can I really get if I refuse to talk? refuse to be transparent? not far at all...

Part of trusting God even deals with trusting that the people He has connected you with can handle the truth of your past...

This is a huge step for me...

*here we go*

Don't ever wanna be penalized for expressing my feelings...my thoughts...but only for my off the wall actions.

I know it's a lot riding on the decisions I make. That's why I try to be cautious of every move...

My heart is feeling a lot of different ways right now...but I'm gonna hurry up & surrender it over to God, before I take things in ma own hands again & ruin ma life...

Dude, I'm learning...

On days like this, the actual lesson is a little blurry, but I understand the overall curriculum...

So, I get discouraged some times...I'm tired of waking up to the same struggles, temptations, etc. I just feel like it should get easier sometimes...

& currently, I'm learning a lot about myself. It seems like everyday, God points out something else about me that I didn't believe was a problem once before...

Don't get me wrong, I like the truth, but when I continue to look TRUTH in the eyes, day after day, I feel incompetent.

I said once before, you never know what's hindering you until you try to grow...& now that I'm actually grow'n, I'm run'n into a lot of brick walls...walls I believed had been knock'd down already or even brand new walls...it gets discouraging.

This whole trusting thing man...smh. It's a lifestyle...a lifestyle I must live.

I told God, "How far can I really get? I keep trying, but there's always an epiphany waiting for me...showing me I'm not even close to where I wanna be...so, how far can I really get?"

He says to me, "As far as you trust me to take you...you can go FAR!...your final destination will be the point you stop trusting me."

(I love when He answers me. That encourages me.)

I feel like just walking away....

#vulnerable

One things that scares me is my attachment to people & I have yet to realize what that traces back to...
I hate it man...I don't like letting others so close to me that them possibly leaving me can hurt me...I'm all for grow'n with people, but isn't that seasonal?
To be honest, I can't take people leaving me...I can't. It hurts me.
& I like to shield myself from all avenues of possible pain.
That's why I try not to get attached to folks...

attachment: affiliated, connected.

It's good to be connected to people...& affiliate...that means you're not alone. but attached tho? that just doesn't sit right with me...

It wasn't until I tried to let people in, did I realize all the walls surrounding my heart.

Maybe It's Just Me...

Maybe it's just me...but I have a limit when it comes to trusting people. I even have a lil motto...lol.

"I trust everyone to be who they've shown me they are."
Meaning, if you show me I can't call you when I'm stranded, then I'll trust that you'll let me down when I need you. Or if I've told you something before that wasn't supposed to get repeated & people start to find out, then I'm gonna trust that you can't hold water. On a lighter note, if you've shown me that you're genuine & even been there to get me together when I break down, then I can trust you in that manner.

But one thing I realized today is that there's a cap on how much I trust people...even the ones that are the CLOSEST to me...even the ones I feel I know the best & can trust the most to be real.

I've capped the ability to let anyone in.......I rarely ever open up and speak on me; I much rather speak on others that have impacted me...I wear my heart on my sleeve, so it's not that I fear get'n hurt. I fear people see'n me like I see me...I fear allowing others to form their own opinion on me. I wanna play apart in it. I wanna portray myself in such a manner that pleases me...For so long, I've refused to appear broken, vulnerable, etc. Because I've been here too long.....

Conversations about me can only go so far before I'm pacing around the room saying..."Ok...drop it...I feel uncomfortable"...(even with the people I'm the closest to.) I've refused to let them behind that veil...

The crazy thing is, I know the truth! I know I'm not what I've done...God has even revealed to me why I've done certain things & what it traces back to...

Just like this traces back to something pretty deep......it traces back to the times of abuse...it traces back to me sitting at my Grandmother's brown coffee table writing everything down in my diary...but as soon as I finished my last sentence, I destroyed that diary in fear of someone look'n down on me...

I didn't want them to see me as that "nothing" that intruders made me feel like...

& that was probably the very day that I made up in ma mind that I had to keep somethings covered...& even tho I'm free from all I've done, I still have the same mentality...

It has to go....!

"SILENCE IS DEADLY" by Official P4CM Poet Ezekiel

P4CM: We are GENERATION EX!

I'ma #ex

Look past the surface of wat the shirt reads...
look at my heart...
I supressed my entire past...
felt unloved...
limited forms of positive attention...
abused in every way...
didn't want to feel the pain any more.............
so I turned to marijuanna......
but God showed me His love...
taught me the truth about my life!
& now I'ma #ex...
going back for the others!
#breakthesilence