If the truth be told, I took a "season off" of the work I know I'm supposed to be doing.

I had become such a leader and it was quite lonely. However, I enjoyed it for the time being, but I was not at all eager to carry it over into Nashville.

I always feel alone when I'm at school and I refused to sign up for the same I needed time away from full time ministry and I figured God would understand.

It's four months later and I'm ready to begin again. I figured out what was missing...because my desire never left, my gift never left, my drive never left, etc. But the key I never possessed was courage.

Now, my Uncle taught me on this some time ago. He told me, "We always hear 'Encourage Yourself' and we think that means 'Keep the faith until you get the happy ending you're hoping for'. But that's not it. You know what it means to take courage? It means to know that things will get rough sometimes, but live or die, be sold out to God and trust his judgement."

This explanation, along with other examples he used, changed my perception of courage forever & tonight, I realized that I was lacking this principle.

Things have been rough and painful, but I'm ready to move forward. There will be more painful experiences to come, I'm sure, but I'm down for the cause.

"For Christ I live. For Christ I die."
-Courage

Reasoning.

Haven't blogged in a good while! It's a reason for that. I haven't cared in a while...

I've lost my head, lost myself, lost my focus, lost my voice, (& I can probably go in & on with this)...

But one thing I never lost was my purpose. I find myself "getting lost" in it quite often. Meaning: filling my time with all that I believe is tied to my destiny, i.e. spending countless hours with people, heart to heart moments, journaling, writing, etc. I figured it's my road back home...

I actually plan to blog like three times a week in this upcoming year. I plan to be much more stable. A lot has happened, but I'm more than ready to move forward.

2011 can die without me.

5:20

The Influence of A Tomboy

In my younger days, I was comfortable with the tag of being called a "Tom Boy." I figured it was because I wore my brothers hand me downs or played sports. It never really bothered me, because everyone was considered to be a Tom Boy. But everyone seemed to outgrow it much quicker than I did... Which left me thinking..."what's wrong with me?" God showed me how it all started tho...

I can honestly say that the men in my family have a lot more influence in my life than the women do. It was my Grandfather that taught me how to manage money, that sat the standards for my schooling, that told me and showed me I could do whatever I wanted to do; that deposited so much into me. It was my Uncle who showed never ending support for all I did, that took the time to correct me when I was rebelling, that took me out to spend time with me "just because"; & that's still here. It was my Father that broke down the walls I put up against my parents, that showed me I could talk to him about whatever, that showed me I could trust him above all. & not to mention I was raised with brothers, rather than sisters...



But it was the broken women in my family that hurt me in an effort to feel better about themselves. It was the women in my family that led me to believe I could trust them and that they would be there always,...until their emotions shifted. It was the women that verbally abused me, that wanted to be my "friend" so they had me around things I should have never seen in my childhood, that taught me how to be insecure, that didn't know the meaning of "Love" because the other women in their lives couldn't teach them...



I knew I obviously need this influence in my life, being that I am, in fact, a woman. But I couldn't trust them jokers for the life of me...they never failed me when it came to failing me. I still loved them, but I just couldn't trust them further than I could throw them. So, for all the qualities I desired to possess, I looked past them.



When I looked for loyalty, trust, love, stability, courage, a strong faith, etc., I looked at my Father, Uncles & Grandfathers and modeled myself after them. A child chooses role models based on the qualities they want to possess. I wanted to be nothing like those broken, feeble minded, unloving women...



I'm now 21 and I find that a lot of my mannerisms and mindsets are that of my Father, Uncles, & Grandfathers. And now I'm fortunate enough to have a stable relationship with my Mother, a few good Aunts and a Ladylike Mentor that keep telling me to "soften up." It's not as easy as they make it sound, but I'm grateful that I'm not yet set in my ways...



Anything is possible with God. & I do want to change. Because it's a strain...it's a defense mechanism against brokenness. I just wanted to attain the success and all, but I must first accept wholeness.





I'm grateful for God revealing this to me. & I'm sure He'll see it all through. He doesn't tease.

Lab.

There's a production coming up on August 5th and I have to write a piece on rejection. I'm honored to be apart of the production, hands down. But what a topic...I gotta dig for that one. & I'm not sure what I'ma run into.

Can't say that I'm afraid. This could be good for me. This whole "spoken word" thing is really take'n off...I'm just focused on Christ always remaining the center of it.

I just really want this piece to come from a deep place, because rejection ain't no shallow topic. Everybody's felt it, so I want everybody to feel it again that night.

My nights are filled with thoughts of you.
& my days with memories.
We have been since time began.
Hard to believe that now we're history...

& it hurts.

To think back on all the work we put in.
& to try to count how many times we promised we'd never end.
I lost a friend...

& it hurts.

To know we were cautious, but still had a crash landing.
I wish we could've seen this from the beginning...
Would've been more cautious approaching the ending.

& it hurts.

To ride through our old spots without you...
Now, I gotta settle for the drive-thru.
This is what my days & nights have come to.

& it hurts.

To accept the truth.
To embrace what's new.
& to put my heart & soul on this paper, because I can't give it to you.

& it hurts.

I Wish.

I wish I would've met you before I met people. I would've modeled myself after you rather than them...I would've known that love actually is patient...& kind. I wouldn't have had to look any further for all I needed...wouldn't have had to run from person to person, hoping that they possess a part of me that I need. I would've known to just trust you...

I would value your opinion more than anyone else's...I would read my Word more. When you spoke, there wouldn't be any room to question anything. I wouldn't be so obsessed with timing either. I would've been learned to just chill...just relax and know you got me.

We would've had an amazing, intimate relationship. I'd be better at dealing with pain. We hurt you all the time, but you never take your heart from us...you just keep right on loving. You are love & I wish I could've met you before I met people.

Jesus met You first, & clearly, He was better off...

I hate when my heart is heavy.

& my hands are tied up, so they can't help balance the weight. Tied up working against what's good for my heart. actually.

I try to listen...try to hear my heart...but it's a lot quieter these days...sometimes way too quiet to the point that I have to question the validity of its presence.

I mean, if you push someone away & ignore what they have to say long enough, soon enough they'll go away. No wonder you've had nothing to say...

But this is my way of begging my heart to beat again...I won't abuse you this time. Won't suppress you. Just express you...speak for you, since no one else will listen.

Because if nobody else will listen, I will.

#BlairWingo

#lowkey. just slipped under the radar...

really feel'n this track.

Love God.Love People.

I've been trying to understand 1 Corinthians 13 for about two weeks now...constantly reading different versions of it& reviewing it...just trying to grasp it...but while doing this, I was being tested on it.

I was dealing with two different relationships with two different people that are both close to me...but I was loosing them both. One was hurting me, but fighting to hold on to me and the other was hurting me by pushing me away...I felt helpless in both cases, but I still was pushing myself to show love...still be patient...understanding.

& reconciliation looked far fetched on both ends...But God.

Reconciliation has different forms really...it's not always "let's work it out", but it's always a happy ending.

In only one case, did I sit down and talk things out...

In the other, I had to choose to forgive & release this person...(hurt me for sure, but I had to.) Happy ending...

It's been so much to learn, but I'm learning to take it all in...but for sure, I learned how to love. & am still learning...

"Unforgiveness is like lighting yourself on fire and hoping the one that hurt you dies of smoke inhalation."

-Author Unknown

04.28.

I almost lost this one...

That hit me hard! Harder than I expected it to...so I decided to call it a night.

I knew very well what I was doing; I was giving up.

I lied down and cried...& just lied there...knowing that I wasn't going to feel any stronger in the morning if I went to sleep that way...(& that made me cry harder.) Knowing I should get up, but strength was no where to be found. So, I just lied there...acknowledging the fact that I'm physically (& spiritually) tired...acknowledging that I'm hurt & that I have every right to be...I'm discouraged & feel as if I can't go on...but then I remembered how my aunt explained to me how important it is to deal with unforgiveness and anger before proceeding to the next day. So then I knew I had to do something...

Miraculously, strength arrived. So, I got up. I realized that everyone hurts...& whether the pain is intentional or not, everyone needs a Saviour. Needs the Saviour. Therefore, who am I to not forgive?

It hurts, but I can't be in my feelings during this season...during this process. So, God...take my withered heart and just hold it for me. Because I don't want it in my hands during this time...

I Love You.

& with everything (that's not in me), I trust You.

To Whom It May Concern:

To everyone who dipped out on me:

I'm not gonna say "Thank You." Instead, I'm sorry you missed my growth. & that's not in a sarcastic tone either...just saying. I've grown...

I guess I needed you during that particular season, but I can't say that you're missed now. What I mean is I don't miss the pain you caused me...that's all I remember about you now.

Saw you the other day & I'm glad to see you're doing well! Still care for you a great deal...still would be there if you called...but I just couldn't stand around any longer...just being another piece of furniture in the home of a hoarder.

I had to live for me.

"Then" was goodbye...Now is "I'm sorry you missed the process"...it could've blessed you.

Wounded Soldiers.

My aunt told me that "A wounded soldier that stays down lies there to die."

But it's so comfortable...& numb. You're lying in death, BUT you still have a choice. You can get up when you're ready...

But the longer you stay down, the more reasons you find to get up later...the more you believe you don't deserve better. But in reality, those same parts that are hurt are necessary to assist you in getting up.

You're gonna feel it on the way up...you're gonna feel that pain if you chose to move. But what weakens you when you're down, will make you stronger once you get up...

But it all starts with a choice...

Don't take life personal if it's all spiritual.

No Pain...No Gain.

"The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak."

Mystery of Mirrors.

I wonder who invented mirrors?...we trust them so much. We have so much faith in them. But why? They cant tell the whole truth...they're only surface deep...only shows you the outside. I wonder why God only allows others to actually be able to look at us. Probably the same reason it's not good for men to be alone...we need each other.

Someone that loves you can call you out on what you're trying to hide, bring clarity to what you really can't see, & watch your back because the mirror can't see that. The mirror can't tell you when you're not yourself, but it can support you in believing a lie. It can help you front, but somebody that really loves you is gonna call your bluff; ain't gon play along. That darn mirror...so deceiving.

Thank God for real people that'll put it all on the line to get through to you. Mirrors can't do that...they're too distant...they can't move; they'll always serve the same purpose in your life. Now, I'm not saying they're not necessary, but not in the manner that we use them. But you know what is necessary tho? Ask a loved one how they really see you. & just because they really know you, it'll bring encouragement. They'll speak over your life. And whether you like what they say or not, it's the truth & that's something the mirror can't offer you...

& Be careful who you ask, because their words will be quite useless if they give you some shallow answer that you could've gotten from the mirror. Take courage & ask someone you know will be real with you. It'll bless you for sure.

Don't think too hard. This is surface material.

We've never seen ourselves...only reflections. So we only really have an idea of what we look like. I rather trust a person over a mirror. But we don't... If my appearance is out of line, I rather ask a friend what it is I should fix? But instead, I run to the mirror. But let's go deeper... If I'm out of line, I can read my word...& try to find my reflection...try to fix things up. I can kick it with the wrong crowd, but still find my reflection...live it up. I can look to the world...find my reflection...conform. The choices are mine...I'm just look'n for what I believe I look like. But 9 times out of 10, we're in the mirror. What is it about the mirror tho? It's honest. But able to be persuaded. Meaning, it's gonna show who you are, but you can tuck away what you want to be visible. It's better to walk through life with someone you trust, because they can't be persuaded. A mirror can only capture who you are, but a friend can remind you of who you're gonna be. A friend can't be persuaded...you can't control how the friend sees you. And that friend can really show you who you are...that mirror can only show you what you believe you look like... Because we've never really seen ourselves...only our reflections.

tears.

Tears...

It's so much sown into them.

They can flow from a recent cut

or be shut up behind a dam for over ten years.

Sigh...

Some view them as enemies...

A threat to their reputation.

Others view them as an outlet...

Silent prayers.

Regardless of opinions & interpretations,

Tears exist.

I'd like to think they're stored in the heart.

Flowing over every heart beat...

Waiting to let us know that they're still there.

& When the heart beats a little faster,

Due to one of life's surprises,

They rush to awaken us

& Help us to accept that "that's just life."

Tears...

I thank God for such a blessing...

?

Has been wondering all night & even ask'd around..."Is it possible to care too much? How close it too close?"

Good feedback. It's a given that if you put that person before yourself, then that ain't kool...but if it's actually a healthy relationship, then what are the actual boundries? Are there any?

I believe that if you care at all, then there's not a such thing as caring too much.

But about the closeness...

Tears came to my eyes as I tried to figure it out...I'll let God define that for me.

hands.

I look down at my hands...& I wonder how God can call them clean...

Especially when these are the same hands that have a problem serving you...

The same hands that work against you...

The same hands I'm quick to throw up in disgust when I'm hurting, as I walk away from you...

The same hands that showed me that by displaying the third finger, I can display what's in my heart...

The same hands that have proved to me that my will can be carried out...

I look down at my hands & I wonder how You can call them clean...

I'm sure it has something to do with the current state of your hands...

"JaNishia, you must learn to walk in forgiveness & reconciliation. This is the season you're transitioning into...therefore, those that are close to you will cause you great pain. But be sure not to turn your heart away from them or away from God. Take the pain to God..."

When I first got this message, I was extremely opposed. Those close to me? They mean the world to me! Sometimes I feel like they're all I have. And now you're telling me that might be on the line?! "God, what are you doing?!"

That question has been in the air for quite some time now...

But now I'm learning to trust...which cuts down on all the questioning...

But, in regards to that particular prophecy, it has begun.

I just pray that God covers me and I learn a lot...

Today, I feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be.

Israel.

"The ceiling that we were trying to break through is now the floor of a new dimension."

?...!

So there I was......

Shooting around with a guy pal of mine as I attempt to regain my range of motion in my right knee. I wore a black brace that pretty much ran from my thigh to my shin...which made it quite difficult to play, but I managed.

After noting how fundamentally sound he was, I ask'd, "Did you play in high school?" He told me did. & then I replied, "Dude, you're really good. Why are you not playing now?" He tells me he chose football above all, but he misses it.

After casually shooting, (because that's pretty much all I could do on that particular day), he ask'd, "Why are you not playing now?" After pointing to my brace, I explained the injury that's been discouraging me for the last two years...

We then both agreed on how we miss the organized sport & how we always knew we'd be play'n college ball, until we got to college...#sigh.

But seriously, not even an hour later, this man steps on the court & shakes my hand & tells me he's been watching my game & taking note of how I play. He coaches for a school nearby & would love for me to transfer & play. "But I'm hurt." But he assured me they have the ideal therapists that can get where I need to be.

We talked for a while; I had a lot of questions. He gave me his info & I said I'd keep in touch.

But what's crazy is: Any other day & at any other point in my life, I would've been stoked! Would've told him yes right away! Ain't nothing to think about!

But that's not the case now...

I'm really learning & developing myself. I'm now more than just a basketball player, so it's not that easy to just drop everything & run...

Well, my life will play out as it was planned...just gotta hear from the big guy that plan'd it...

"And so we have the prophetic word confirmed, which you do well to heed as a light that shines in a dark place, until the day dawns and the morning star rises in your hearts."

2 Peter 1:19

Not So.

Hooked up with my pride…decided we'd catch up & kick it. Reminisced! Made me feel on top of the world…then he offered to take me higher…

Said he had something to show me…I'm interested. "You've never really let me down before."

Took me on an adventure…

But it felt too familiar. I couldn't really say "Thank You", because I felt some kind of way afterwards…

Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed kick'n it with my pride, but I just wasn't too comfortable with the end results…

I felt like pride went too far.

Invaded my relationships…interfered with my integrity.

Influenced me. Had me making decisions I wouldn't normally make…

Decisions…Decisions…

My aunt always told me, "Pooh, it's the choices we make..."

The choices we make.

Unfortunately, I never heard her say, "Pooh, it's the consequences that await..."

But I shouldn't have had to. I should've known.

I knew.

Yet acted.

The choices we make…

Good ol pride…still tryna be down.

After all the damage…

Still tryna be down…

Sigh…

Not so.

You Are.

Cuz even if we could rewind the time & I had the chance to look you in your eyes...I'd still have to believe that you are who you say you are...

But yet I'm reminded of the times when the truth outsourced the lies & you proved that...you are who you say you are...

You proved you are who you say you are...

Clear.

Plain.

Should've posted this one instead.

Judy Garland - Over The Rainbow

Letter.

Dear Unknown,
I know you. I know you for sure. Always have. I'm just not too sure about you really. It's not that I don't believe you are who you say you are, but it's not that I believe it either. You've been perfect all my life, so I had come to the conclusion that that's just who you are: perfect. Now, I feel like the world is keeping something from me.

I still hear you & slick feel you...just got a few questions, but you can answer them without saying a word! But I'm not gonna ask. Is that weird?

I can't sing the tune..."If you're out there..." cuz there's no "if" too it. I'm sure you are. You gotta be. #shrug.

Well, my heart is in the air, because that's where my ideas concering you are...

Sincerly,
JaNishia

hmmm.

is thinking......How do these seasonal relationships work? What's the biggest clue that the season has ended? I don't wanna try to recreate something that has expired...

I mean, I've been thinking about some of my best friends in life! & how we got close & just how close we were...

But as smooth as the relationship formed, it slowly dissolved. Amazing how that works...

I had a dream last night that my relationship with my sister faded...& it hurt me. I mean, yu always swear yu'll always be there for each other & will remain close, without knowing that LIFE has different plans for the both of yu...

Sucks, huh?

It's LIFE.