I read a quote...& it went like this...
"A dying man needs to die, as a sleepy man needs to sleep, and there comes a time when it is wrong, as well as useless, to resist."-Stewart Alsop
This was the quote I needed to hear after becoming addicted to Tye Tribbett's song "Eulogy". Here are some of the lyrics...
"I'm doing my own eulogy...seems like everyone's sad except me...
seems something like a release cause I'm finally free...
Gotta let you go now, you've been hanging on for way too long...
You been taking me down...you and me will never get along...
So goodbye...so long...
Nothing good came out of me and you...that's why it's so easy for me to choose...there's only one thing left for me to do...and that's die to you"...
These lyrics paired with that quote equates to something rather powerful. To die to self...
"If anyone wishes to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me." Matthew 16:24.
There's another quote I read a while ago that stuck with me...
"The main problem with Christians is that they try to live Christ's life without first dying Christ's death."
That's real! What's the point of reading God's word to claim ALL the promises detailed inside and praying his prayers for your selfish desires if you're still "doing you"...Blessings are stored up for the righteous! Not saying God doesn't still love you; just saying you're out of line! There's a death that needs to take place so that live can begin...& it's yours...
"My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." Galatians 2:20.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Wheew!
What a place God has brought me too...
I've had some unproductive days...(the last four days to be exact)...but it was necessary. I learned a lot about myself. Mainly that if I'm not working towards a goal, I'm regressing. There's no "in between" with me, JaNishia Marie Chantel Grinston. There is no "just chilling"...it's too much out here...it's too much "unnaturalness"....(yes, I made it up) within me. Too much pride in my heart that rages against God.
I came to the conclusion that pride is going to be my life long enemy. It's my "thorn in the flesh." It's like spiritual cancer...if not caught & dealt with, it's going to spread to every area of my life. So, I'ma spiritual cancer patient...every issue & struggle I have & ever had can be narrowed down to PRIDE. Therefore, in order to survive, I have to be on meds for the rest of my life, or death will be eneviatable.
Death is simply seperation from God. Like when Adam & Eve ate of the tree...they didn't become DECEASED, but they DID however experience death. God use to walk the garden like it was nothing! & then they were put out. seperated! And how the bible says you'll either experience eternal life with God in Heaven or eternal death in Hell---> separation! So that's death...& that's the death I will experience if I die from this cancer.
You can't tell me pride doesn't separate you from God! When I know I'm not doing right by God, pride makes me the most comfortable heathen in the world! But that's tricky, because I get so comfortable that I ain't tryna pursue God & only give Him the time of day when he chooses to impose into my world. That's sad...because who says He has to? And sometimes He doesn't...
That's separation. That's death.
So how do I maintain life with this pride being the thorn in my side? It's simple. By digesting the Words of Life: my meds. I got to get into my word to keep this thing from spreading and to work towards the root of its existence. I have to combat these unnatural things growing inside of me. But just as with any medication, there are side effects:
I gotta take my meds! Or it's goodbye to my purpose, my relationships, my reason for living...
I've had some unproductive days...(the last four days to be exact)...but it was necessary. I learned a lot about myself. Mainly that if I'm not working towards a goal, I'm regressing. There's no "in between" with me, JaNishia Marie Chantel Grinston. There is no "just chilling"...it's too much out here...it's too much "unnaturalness"....(yes, I made it up) within me. Too much pride in my heart that rages against God.
I came to the conclusion that pride is going to be my life long enemy. It's my "thorn in the flesh." It's like spiritual cancer...if not caught & dealt with, it's going to spread to every area of my life. So, I'ma spiritual cancer patient...every issue & struggle I have & ever had can be narrowed down to PRIDE. Therefore, in order to survive, I have to be on meds for the rest of my life, or death will be eneviatable.
Death is simply seperation from God. Like when Adam & Eve ate of the tree...they didn't become DECEASED, but they DID however experience death. God use to walk the garden like it was nothing! & then they were put out. seperated! And how the bible says you'll either experience eternal life with God in Heaven or eternal death in Hell---> separation! So that's death...& that's the death I will experience if I die from this cancer.
You can't tell me pride doesn't separate you from God! When I know I'm not doing right by God, pride makes me the most comfortable heathen in the world! But that's tricky, because I get so comfortable that I ain't tryna pursue God & only give Him the time of day when he chooses to impose into my world. That's sad...because who says He has to? And sometimes He doesn't...
That's separation. That's death.
So how do I maintain life with this pride being the thorn in my side? It's simple. By digesting the Words of Life: my meds. I got to get into my word to keep this thing from spreading and to work towards the root of its existence. I have to combat these unnatural things growing inside of me. But just as with any medication, there are side effects:
- Love
- Joy
- Peace
- Forbearance
- Gentleness
- Self Control
I gotta take my meds! Or it's goodbye to my purpose, my relationships, my reason for living...
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Part Two.
So...when an issue arises, one of my first thoughts is "Where did this come from?" My pride comes from me being so broken, but choosing not to appear to be. But this time, I dug a little deeper...where did pride come from period?
The earliest story of pride that we have is of Lucifer...when he was an angel in Heaven. He had an important task...(to be God the Father's covering angel.) God was so AMAZING that the other angels in Heaven couldn't look DIRECTLY at Him. Instead they looked at Lucifer, who had all of these jewels built inside of Him to reflect God's glory. SO, when they looked at Lucifer, they saw God and began to worship Him.
Lucifer, of course, thought to himself, "Hmm...if you squint your eyes a bit, it kinda looks like they're bowing to me." And he went to work to see what that would actually feel like. He deceived a third of the angels, because of His pride. He wanted to be worshipped...he wanted attention, because he saw flaws within himself. Instead of embracing how God made him, he chose to want to do his own thing & not appear as the man he saw himself as. Instead of loving himself...he became prideful.
After thinking about this, I was a little blown away, but also disgusted. It's sickening how much of our nature is just like Satan's...
Worship is described as "adoring reverence and regard." #pride. Need I say more? My pride had gotten so bad, where I didn't see the flaws within myself anymore. I slick worship'd myself. My aunt once said, "Worship is not what you do when you come within the four walls. It's a lifestyle." & worship'n myself was my lifestyle. I put myself above all. My desires were above God's desires...and anybody else's for that matter!
When you do stuff like that, you know you're out of line. You know you're not striving to grow.& when you do stuff like that, what makes you all that different from the enemy?
Man, I'm really exploring the dangers of pride & I'm gonna keep sharing so that everyone won't have to go as far as I did.
Everyone sees flaws within themself...that's ok. That only makes you human. But turn to God! Humble yourself...admit that you're broken...ask for healing in that area. I guarantee He'll do it.
He's the ONLY way.
The earliest story of pride that we have is of Lucifer...when he was an angel in Heaven. He had an important task...(to be God the Father's covering angel.) God was so AMAZING that the other angels in Heaven couldn't look DIRECTLY at Him. Instead they looked at Lucifer, who had all of these jewels built inside of Him to reflect God's glory. SO, when they looked at Lucifer, they saw God and began to worship Him.
Lucifer, of course, thought to himself, "Hmm...if you squint your eyes a bit, it kinda looks like they're bowing to me." And he went to work to see what that would actually feel like. He deceived a third of the angels, because of His pride. He wanted to be worshipped...he wanted attention, because he saw flaws within himself. Instead of embracing how God made him, he chose to want to do his own thing & not appear as the man he saw himself as. Instead of loving himself...he became prideful.
After thinking about this, I was a little blown away, but also disgusted. It's sickening how much of our nature is just like Satan's...
Worship is described as "adoring reverence and regard." #pride. Need I say more? My pride had gotten so bad, where I didn't see the flaws within myself anymore. I slick worship'd myself. My aunt once said, "Worship is not what you do when you come within the four walls. It's a lifestyle." & worship'n myself was my lifestyle. I put myself above all. My desires were above God's desires...and anybody else's for that matter!
When you do stuff like that, you know you're out of line. You know you're not striving to grow.& when you do stuff like that, what makes you all that different from the enemy?
Man, I'm really exploring the dangers of pride & I'm gonna keep sharing so that everyone won't have to go as far as I did.
Everyone sees flaws within themself...that's ok. That only makes you human. But turn to God! Humble yourself...admit that you're broken...ask for healing in that area. I guarantee He'll do it.
He's the ONLY way.
Part 1.
Ok..."pride"...smh.
Learn something new everyday in this area...
So, the other night, I was journaling...(which is a miraculous process. I recommend it to everyone!)...& I started seeing words on the paper that formed ideas that had never crossed my mind before!
I started to think about some of the most perverse things I've done & how I despise myself for it...& then I was like, "Hold up! I despise myself?"...Wow. Didn't know. SO then I came face to face with some issues concerning self that I never dealt with. I then saw how I perceived myself and it disturbed me.
Then God showed me my pride and how it coincides with the issues I have with myself. For example, when the semester was about to end, I had some huge breakdowns! I wanted to return to somethings that I have been free from for a good amount of time! Why? Because I felt like, "Why not? & Who gon stop me?" I knew that regression will completely demolish my personal development & I was ok with that. I knew what I was doing to myself and couldn't wait to do it.
There's a lot of deception involved in pride tho...cuz I'm think'n "I'm look'n out for myself..take'n care of myself...(& who gon stop me?)"...but I was completely about to ruin myself.
& I knew it.
What does all this mean? God showed me that if I don't deal with my issues with self, that being prideful will be the closest I'll ever come to "loving myself."
This blew me away, because it made all the sense in the world...I can honestly say I'm not aware of my value and my worth...pride has blinded me! I've believed that I must settle for whatever the flesh desires, because I can do what I want & "Who's gon stop me?"
I gotta stop myself! So I can begin to love myself.
Learn something new everyday in this area...
So, the other night, I was journaling...(which is a miraculous process. I recommend it to everyone!)...& I started seeing words on the paper that formed ideas that had never crossed my mind before!
I started to think about some of the most perverse things I've done & how I despise myself for it...& then I was like, "Hold up! I despise myself?"...Wow. Didn't know. SO then I came face to face with some issues concerning self that I never dealt with. I then saw how I perceived myself and it disturbed me.
Then God showed me my pride and how it coincides with the issues I have with myself. For example, when the semester was about to end, I had some huge breakdowns! I wanted to return to somethings that I have been free from for a good amount of time! Why? Because I felt like, "Why not? & Who gon stop me?" I knew that regression will completely demolish my personal development & I was ok with that. I knew what I was doing to myself and couldn't wait to do it.
There's a lot of deception involved in pride tho...cuz I'm think'n "I'm look'n out for myself..take'n care of myself...(& who gon stop me?)"...but I was completely about to ruin myself.
& I knew it.
What does all this mean? God showed me that if I don't deal with my issues with self, that being prideful will be the closest I'll ever come to "loving myself."
This blew me away, because it made all the sense in the world...I can honestly say I'm not aware of my value and my worth...pride has blinded me! I've believed that I must settle for whatever the flesh desires, because I can do what I want & "Who's gon stop me?"
I gotta stop myself! So I can begin to love myself.
Dec. 23rd.
Facebook is deactivated...Twitter is gone...(which SUCKS cuz I had JUST got a new follower...smh)...but this is by far the most success I've had all day.
Today was a bummy day...slept all day, because I stay'd up until 7 AM...didn't hit the gym...(big disappointment.) I DID however spend time with my Mom in the kitchen...(which is new). I'm really anticipating my brother & sister's arrival tomorrow! I miss just chill'n with them...talk'n and laugh'n about random stuff. My brothers and I act JUST alike! SO we make ALL the memories in the WORLD when we get together! I can't wait...
I'm going to do a bit of reading tonight...closing myself in my room around 10 PM. To study my Word, read PURE HEART & journal. & actually sleep!
I'm going over my aunt's next week...also going to make an effort to spend time with my Papa. Will probably make my aspiration to take over one of his productions known.
Been learning a lot about myself, despite all the random stuff pop'n off. I have a sense of peace about it all tho. So, I'm content.
Even tho content is not where I wanna be concerning my development...I'm disturbed by my performance last semester. So if I'm going back with the same mindset, I might as well not go back. I can sit down & listen to ALL the lectures in the world, but until I decide to make a change within myself, their words will be falling on deaf ears.
OneGoal:GROWTH.
Come January 6th, "productive" will be an understatement.
Today was a bummy day...slept all day, because I stay'd up until 7 AM...didn't hit the gym...(big disappointment.) I DID however spend time with my Mom in the kitchen...(which is new). I'm really anticipating my brother & sister's arrival tomorrow! I miss just chill'n with them...talk'n and laugh'n about random stuff. My brothers and I act JUST alike! SO we make ALL the memories in the WORLD when we get together! I can't wait...
I'm going to do a bit of reading tonight...closing myself in my room around 10 PM. To study my Word, read PURE HEART & journal. & actually sleep!
I'm going over my aunt's next week...also going to make an effort to spend time with my Papa. Will probably make my aspiration to take over one of his productions known.
Been learning a lot about myself, despite all the random stuff pop'n off. I have a sense of peace about it all tho. So, I'm content.
Even tho content is not where I wanna be concerning my development...I'm disturbed by my performance last semester. So if I'm going back with the same mindset, I might as well not go back. I can sit down & listen to ALL the lectures in the world, but until I decide to make a change within myself, their words will be falling on deaf ears.
OneGoal:GROWTH.
Come January 6th, "productive" will be an understatement.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
brief recap.
MAN!
I can honestly say that these last couple of days have been the most productive days I've had in a LONG time! I'm enjoying better'n myself! Tryna stop trip'n off yesterday...& just move on...
Plan'n to deactivate FB tonite...(it's a distraction for me). Twitter has to go...(I don't like to tweet! I only want followers...it's a #pride thing)...
Been reading Shellie Warren's PURE HEART. It's so good! I see myself in that book! I'm learning a lot.
(I'll give a more detailed recap when I'm settled tonite...my little cousin Ethan wants me to play basketball with him now.)
Gimme a min...
I can honestly say that these last couple of days have been the most productive days I've had in a LONG time! I'm enjoying better'n myself! Tryna stop trip'n off yesterday...& just move on...
Plan'n to deactivate FB tonite...(it's a distraction for me). Twitter has to go...(I don't like to tweet! I only want followers...it's a #pride thing)...
Been reading Shellie Warren's PURE HEART. It's so good! I see myself in that book! I'm learning a lot.
(I'll give a more detailed recap when I'm settled tonite...my little cousin Ethan wants me to play basketball with him now.)
Gimme a min...
Monday, December 20, 2010
Lecrae.Background.Rehab.
"Just let me shadow you.
Just let me trace you lines.
Matter fact, just take my being.
Here; you create my rhymes.
Cause if I do this by myself, I'm scared that I'll suceeed.
And no longer trust in you; cause I only trust in me..."
I can play the background...
I can play the background...
Cause I know sometimes I get in the way...
So won't you take lead...
Won't you take lead...
& I can play the background...
& You can take the LEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAADDDD!
"So lemme fall back & stop giving my suggestions...
Cuz when I follow my obsessions I end up confessing...
That I'm not that impressive...
Matter fact, I'm who I are...
A trail of stardust leading to the Superstar..."
Just let me trace you lines.
Matter fact, just take my being.
Here; you create my rhymes.
Cause if I do this by myself, I'm scared that I'll suceeed.
And no longer trust in you; cause I only trust in me..."
I can play the background...
I can play the background...
Cause I know sometimes I get in the way...
So won't you take lead...
Won't you take lead...
& I can play the background...
& You can take the LEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAADDDD!
"So lemme fall back & stop giving my suggestions...
Cuz when I follow my obsessions I end up confessing...
That I'm not that impressive...
Matter fact, I'm who I are...
A trail of stardust leading to the Superstar..."
One Goal: GROWTH.
This break couldn't come at a better time...I was on the brink of completely loosing myself...
Which makes sense...I clung to the things of that were sweet to the eyes & the mind...I left Christ...he was too real for the moment.
I remember saying. "I've lost sight of who I am." & everybody that got ahold of me was like, "Hold on...this ain't you! What's up?!"
It only makes sense that I would loose myself if I'm lost without Christ, since He's my identity...
So, my #gameplan is to take this break to completely regroup...get back on track...hear from God.
Which makes sense...I clung to the things of that were sweet to the eyes & the mind...I left Christ...he was too real for the moment.
I remember saying. "I've lost sight of who I am." & everybody that got ahold of me was like, "Hold on...this ain't you! What's up?!"
It only makes sense that I would loose myself if I'm lost without Christ, since He's my identity...
So, my #gameplan is to take this break to completely regroup...get back on track...hear from God.
- Twitter will be deleted
- Facebook will be temporarily deactivated
- There will be a bed time set.
- Gym every morning.
- No secular music.
- Monitor what I watch.
- No eating after 10.
- Finish S.W.'s New Book
I plan to blog everyday to document the process and my progress.
One Goal: GROWTH!
Sunday, December 19, 2010
R.I.P. PRIDE
There's so much to pride...
You have the all out rebellious pride! "Do What Thou Wilt" kind of pride..."I answer to me!" kinda pride...
Now, I've been there before. Killed that! But pride has manifested itself in some more areas! In my relationships!
Especially the ungodly ones..I've been too prideful to let them go..."in case" I fall and need enablers to get into something...
But even my godly ones? Yea...I found pride there too...& you gotta watch that, cuz that kinda pride will have you milk'n your Goldy relationship for God, as opposed to going to him on your own. It'll have you depending on your brothers' and sisters' proverbs instead of get'n in your word yourself. You'll get your "fix" from just sit'n around talk'n about God...it's #allbad. & then you become dependent...
My pride almost damaged one of my relationships that I cherish the most...she spilled her heart out to me concerning how she cares for me...& a few hours later, I was back in the same neighborhood she had JUST snatched me from. Though, I heard her words in the back of my head, I had to decipher how that would play out in my decision making process.
Me...(personally)...didn't care, but I was moved that she cared so much! Still did my thing, because I didn't wanna feel like I was abstaining for anyone besides myself. #pride.
Storm out of the apt with a wet face...not thinking clearly...said I felt hopeless, because I couldn't see myself changing. #pride.
Walk'n around broken...barely make'n it, but I close my mouth...don't even let my closest ones close to me, because I FEEL like I should be past this point! #pride
Pride kills everything that has potential...it's growth's number one enemy! Either I'm gon live or die bruh...
I choose life!
So R.I.P. pride...
(moment of silence...)
You have the all out rebellious pride! "Do What Thou Wilt" kind of pride..."I answer to me!" kinda pride...
Now, I've been there before. Killed that! But pride has manifested itself in some more areas! In my relationships!
Especially the ungodly ones..I've been too prideful to let them go..."in case" I fall and need enablers to get into something...
But even my godly ones? Yea...I found pride there too...& you gotta watch that, cuz that kinda pride will have you milk'n your Goldy relationship for God, as opposed to going to him on your own. It'll have you depending on your brothers' and sisters' proverbs instead of get'n in your word yourself. You'll get your "fix" from just sit'n around talk'n about God...it's #allbad. & then you become dependent...
My pride almost damaged one of my relationships that I cherish the most...she spilled her heart out to me concerning how she cares for me...& a few hours later, I was back in the same neighborhood she had JUST snatched me from. Though, I heard her words in the back of my head, I had to decipher how that would play out in my decision making process.
Me...(personally)...didn't care, but I was moved that she cared so much! Still did my thing, because I didn't wanna feel like I was abstaining for anyone besides myself. #pride.
Storm out of the apt with a wet face...not thinking clearly...said I felt hopeless, because I couldn't see myself changing. #pride.
Walk'n around broken...barely make'n it, but I close my mouth...don't even let my closest ones close to me, because I FEEL like I should be past this point! #pride
Pride kills everything that has potential...it's growth's number one enemy! Either I'm gon live or die bruh...
I choose life!
So R.I.P. pride...
(moment of silence...)
Monday, December 13, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
another ephphany? really?
I feel like cussing...another epiphany dude! I don't know WHY it didn't dawn on me before!
It's been hell tryna understand why I don't let people in & why I fear them leaving me...it's because of my COUSIN! We went thru our whole life together! literally! even used to dress alike...! only 10 months older than me. Yu didn't see one without the other...& every single problem I had in ma childhood, she had...we swore we would help each other thru life...
When life got too much to handle, we smoked together...we rebelled...lied together. She took care of me dude...when I felt like giving up, she was there. Had ma back...called me out of school at least twice a week so I can ride around with her...& when she saw I wasn't happy, she'd just roll up another...
I let my cousin all the way in...she knew it all! Until she left...now she knows nothing. I looked her in her face the other day & didn't see her...
I wanna refrain from blaming her, because "life happened", but I can't. I just now realized that it hurt me...so let me admit it: it hurt me. I thought we were down forever & yu left me dude...to chase the stuff yu still chasing to this day...hope it was worth it man.
No wonder I answer people kinda rough when they ask have I heard from yu...I'm upset & didn't know.
My life is starting to make sense to me...
It's been hell tryna understand why I don't let people in & why I fear them leaving me...it's because of my COUSIN! We went thru our whole life together! literally! even used to dress alike...! only 10 months older than me. Yu didn't see one without the other...& every single problem I had in ma childhood, she had...we swore we would help each other thru life...
When life got too much to handle, we smoked together...we rebelled...lied together. She took care of me dude...when I felt like giving up, she was there. Had ma back...called me out of school at least twice a week so I can ride around with her...& when she saw I wasn't happy, she'd just roll up another...
I let my cousin all the way in...she knew it all! Until she left...now she knows nothing. I looked her in her face the other day & didn't see her...
I wanna refrain from blaming her, because "life happened", but I can't. I just now realized that it hurt me...so let me admit it: it hurt me. I thought we were down forever & yu left me dude...to chase the stuff yu still chasing to this day...hope it was worth it man.
No wonder I answer people kinda rough when they ask have I heard from yu...I'm upset & didn't know.
My life is starting to make sense to me...
I slick feel like Deborah Cox..nobody's supposed to be here dude. I'm supposed to be healing from all the dudes I chose "for the moment"...I ain't even think'n about a relationship...
But I look up...(had to squint to really see)...& here yu are stare'n me in ma face...into my eyes. More affectionate than ever...welcome'n my unknown feelings...#sigh. I feel like I'm in 9th grade all over again...when you snatched my i.d. out of my hand...haha. & since then, we've been thru life together!
We spent my whole break reminiscing on all the times...the fights, the tears, the jokes, the laughs, the relationship. wow...I miss those times. But now I see, they never went anywhere...
All I can say at the point is wow...I wasn't expect'n this just as you weren't, but things have taken a turn over these last couple days & it happened effortlessly...& neither of us mind. We're both actually elated...but now, I have to go back to Nashville...& yu fear that things are gonna change.
I don't.
"Can you look me in the eyes and honestly say you don't love me?" -Deborah Cox.
No, I can't...
But I look up...(had to squint to really see)...& here yu are stare'n me in ma face...into my eyes. More affectionate than ever...welcome'n my unknown feelings...#sigh. I feel like I'm in 9th grade all over again...when you snatched my i.d. out of my hand...haha. & since then, we've been thru life together!
We spent my whole break reminiscing on all the times...the fights, the tears, the jokes, the laughs, the relationship. wow...I miss those times. But now I see, they never went anywhere...
All I can say at the point is wow...I wasn't expect'n this just as you weren't, but things have taken a turn over these last couple days & it happened effortlessly...& neither of us mind. We're both actually elated...but now, I have to go back to Nashville...& yu fear that things are gonna change.
I don't.
"Can you look me in the eyes and honestly say you don't love me?" -Deborah Cox.
No, I can't...
It felt so good rolling into town...hadn't been here in a while...
Drove straight to St. Louis University to see them work my guys from TSU...smh. They've always been really good...fundamentally sound. Still sport'd ma TSU gear tho :) After the game, I spent the next hour searching for my car in downtown STL with my two cousins...lolol. Crime rates are hiiiiiiigh, so we definitely thought it got stolen...smh.
Came home! Saw my fam! Felt good...but then my nite start'd to take a little turn...
When it was time to settle down, I walk'd around the house & all these memories start'd to flood ma mind...I walk'd in & out of rooms that I was tormented in...to no end & I began to remember it like it was yesterday. I glanced at the corners that I caved in...it felt so real again. I felt uneasy...had to make myself go to sleep.
It made me feel good when my little cousins told me they missed me...one of my lil cousins ask'd me why I left them & it made my heart D...R...O...P... dude. Explained to him I'm still around & always will be. Later that nite, I pull'd two of my lil girl cousins (14 & 16) into my Uncle's studio & lock'd the door to keep the boys out. I let them talk...they completely opened up to me!...(which shocked me cuz they didn't hold ANYTHING back)...I told them my story & they were SHOCKED...but now they know they got me & I'm here forever...I told 'em..."I turned to the wrong things, because I had so much going on & no one to talk to...let alone someone who understood. I refuse to let that be the case for ya'll."
I got several wake up calls this weekend tho...concerning the law...relationships...man, just life.
Rode around the city...saw the motel that was the hide out/smoke out spot for a minute...look'd my ex "roll dog" in her face as she told me that she now robs people...drove down the street I grew up on...heard that one of the lil boys I fought for stick'n his hand in my double dutch rope was now lock'd up for raping a lil white girl...
I'm glad to be out of this area, even though I miss my family like crazy. I got to see my aunt; she's one of my favorite people in life. I love that lady. Made an effort to spend time wit my Grandmother...I'm crazy about her! Took her to see For Colored Girls...(my second time seeing it & it STILL was the same kind of amazing!)...& we hit up White Castle's! Lol...my little gma♥
Got a few hours left here...wash'n & pack'n. I don't wanna leave man!...& one individual is currently play'n a huge role in me wanting to stay :(
But I gotta hit the road...get back to where I'm supposed to be in this season. Needless to say, I enjoyed my break...learn'd a lot...just need to process it.
Goodnite Illinois.
Drove straight to St. Louis University to see them work my guys from TSU...smh. They've always been really good...fundamentally sound. Still sport'd ma TSU gear tho :) After the game, I spent the next hour searching for my car in downtown STL with my two cousins...lolol. Crime rates are hiiiiiiigh, so we definitely thought it got stolen...smh.
Came home! Saw my fam! Felt good...but then my nite start'd to take a little turn...
When it was time to settle down, I walk'd around the house & all these memories start'd to flood ma mind...I walk'd in & out of rooms that I was tormented in...to no end & I began to remember it like it was yesterday. I glanced at the corners that I caved in...it felt so real again. I felt uneasy...had to make myself go to sleep.
It made me feel good when my little cousins told me they missed me...one of my lil cousins ask'd me why I left them & it made my heart D...R...O...P... dude. Explained to him I'm still around & always will be. Later that nite, I pull'd two of my lil girl cousins (14 & 16) into my Uncle's studio & lock'd the door to keep the boys out. I let them talk...they completely opened up to me!...(which shocked me cuz they didn't hold ANYTHING back)...I told them my story & they were SHOCKED...but now they know they got me & I'm here forever...I told 'em..."I turned to the wrong things, because I had so much going on & no one to talk to...let alone someone who understood. I refuse to let that be the case for ya'll."
I got several wake up calls this weekend tho...concerning the law...relationships...man, just life.
Rode around the city...saw the motel that was the hide out/smoke out spot for a minute...look'd my ex "roll dog" in her face as she told me that she now robs people...drove down the street I grew up on...heard that one of the lil boys I fought for stick'n his hand in my double dutch rope was now lock'd up for raping a lil white girl...
I'm glad to be out of this area, even though I miss my family like crazy. I got to see my aunt; she's one of my favorite people in life. I love that lady. Made an effort to spend time wit my Grandmother...I'm crazy about her! Took her to see For Colored Girls...(my second time seeing it & it STILL was the same kind of amazing!)...& we hit up White Castle's! Lol...my little gma♥
Got a few hours left here...wash'n & pack'n. I don't wanna leave man!...& one individual is currently play'n a huge role in me wanting to stay :(
But I gotta hit the road...get back to where I'm supposed to be in this season. Needless to say, I enjoyed my break...learn'd a lot...just need to process it.
Goodnite Illinois.
Friday, November 19, 2010
here we go...
Big Sis: "What's wrong?"
Me: "Life...it gets discouraging...I believe I'm actually ready to open up...I'm start'n to feel like, 'How far can I really get?'...if that makes sense."
Big Sis: "How far can you get without opening up?"
Me: "Basically yea...that's exactly it"...
this is a snippet of a conversation I just had...& it dawned on me...I have to open up. Yu know the whole "Open Up to Grow Up" thing...it's pretty serious. I can embark on this journey of growing up, but how far can I really get if I refuse to talk? refuse to be transparent? not far at all...
Part of trusting God even deals with trusting that the people He has connected you with can handle the truth of your past...
This is a huge step for me...
*here we go*
Me: "Life...it gets discouraging...I believe I'm actually ready to open up...I'm start'n to feel like, 'How far can I really get?'...if that makes sense."
Big Sis: "How far can you get without opening up?"
Me: "Basically yea...that's exactly it"...
this is a snippet of a conversation I just had...& it dawned on me...I have to open up. Yu know the whole "Open Up to Grow Up" thing...it's pretty serious. I can embark on this journey of growing up, but how far can I really get if I refuse to talk? refuse to be transparent? not far at all...
Part of trusting God even deals with trusting that the people He has connected you with can handle the truth of your past...
This is a huge step for me...
*here we go*
Don't ever wanna be penalized for expressing my feelings...my thoughts...but only for my off the wall actions.
I know it's a lot riding on the decisions I make. That's why I try to be cautious of every move...
My heart is feeling a lot of different ways right now...but I'm gonna hurry up & surrender it over to God, before I take things in ma own hands again & ruin ma life...
Dude, I'm learning...
On days like this, the actual lesson is a little blurry, but I understand the overall curriculum...
I know it's a lot riding on the decisions I make. That's why I try to be cautious of every move...
My heart is feeling a lot of different ways right now...but I'm gonna hurry up & surrender it over to God, before I take things in ma own hands again & ruin ma life...
Dude, I'm learning...
On days like this, the actual lesson is a little blurry, but I understand the overall curriculum...
So, I get discouraged some times...I'm tired of waking up to the same struggles, temptations, etc. I just feel like it should get easier sometimes...
& currently, I'm learning a lot about myself. It seems like everyday, God points out something else about me that I didn't believe was a problem once before...
Don't get me wrong, I like the truth, but when I continue to look TRUTH in the eyes, day after day, I feel incompetent.
I said once before, you never know what's hindering you until you try to grow...& now that I'm actually grow'n, I'm run'n into a lot of brick walls...walls I believed had been knock'd down already or even brand new walls...it gets discouraging.
This whole trusting thing man...smh. It's a lifestyle...a lifestyle I must live.
I told God, "How far can I really get? I keep trying, but there's always an epiphany waiting for me...showing me I'm not even close to where I wanna be...so, how far can I really get?"
He says to me, "As far as you trust me to take you...you can go FAR!...your final destination will be the point you stop trusting me."
(I love when He answers me. That encourages me.)
& currently, I'm learning a lot about myself. It seems like everyday, God points out something else about me that I didn't believe was a problem once before...
Don't get me wrong, I like the truth, but when I continue to look TRUTH in the eyes, day after day, I feel incompetent.
I said once before, you never know what's hindering you until you try to grow...& now that I'm actually grow'n, I'm run'n into a lot of brick walls...walls I believed had been knock'd down already or even brand new walls...it gets discouraging.
This whole trusting thing man...smh. It's a lifestyle...a lifestyle I must live.
I told God, "How far can I really get? I keep trying, but there's always an epiphany waiting for me...showing me I'm not even close to where I wanna be...so, how far can I really get?"
He says to me, "As far as you trust me to take you...you can go FAR!...your final destination will be the point you stop trusting me."
(I love when He answers me. That encourages me.)
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
#vulnerable
One things that scares me is my attachment to people & I have yet to realize what that traces back to...
I hate it man...I don't like letting others so close to me that them possibly leaving me can hurt me...I'm all for grow'n with people, but isn't that seasonal?
To be honest, I can't take people leaving me...I can't. It hurts me.
& I like to shield myself from all avenues of possible pain.
That's why I try not to get attached to folks...
attachment: affiliated, connected.
It's good to be connected to people...& affiliate...that means you're not alone. but attached tho? that just doesn't sit right with me...
It wasn't until I tried to let people in, did I realize all the walls surrounding my heart.
I hate it man...I don't like letting others so close to me that them possibly leaving me can hurt me...I'm all for grow'n with people, but isn't that seasonal?
To be honest, I can't take people leaving me...I can't. It hurts me.
& I like to shield myself from all avenues of possible pain.
That's why I try not to get attached to folks...
attachment: affiliated, connected.
It's good to be connected to people...& affiliate...that means you're not alone. but attached tho? that just doesn't sit right with me...
It wasn't until I tried to let people in, did I realize all the walls surrounding my heart.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Maybe It's Just Me...
Maybe it's just me...but I have a limit when it comes to trusting people. I even have a lil motto...lol.
"I trust everyone to be who they've shown me they are."
Meaning, if you show me I can't call you when I'm stranded, then I'll trust that you'll let me down when I need you. Or if I've told you something before that wasn't supposed to get repeated & people start to find out, then I'm gonna trust that you can't hold water. On a lighter note, if you've shown me that you're genuine & even been there to get me together when I break down, then I can trust you in that manner.
But one thing I realized today is that there's a cap on how much I trust people...even the ones that are the CLOSEST to me...even the ones I feel I know the best & can trust the most to be real.
I've capped the ability to let anyone in.......I rarely ever open up and speak on me; I much rather speak on others that have impacted me...I wear my heart on my sleeve, so it's not that I fear get'n hurt. I fear people see'n me like I see me...I fear allowing others to form their own opinion on me. I wanna play apart in it. I wanna portray myself in such a manner that pleases me...For so long, I've refused to appear broken, vulnerable, etc. Because I've been here too long.....
Conversations about me can only go so far before I'm pacing around the room saying..."Ok...drop it...I feel uncomfortable"...(even with the people I'm the closest to.) I've refused to let them behind that veil...
The crazy thing is, I know the truth! I know I'm not what I've done...God has even revealed to me why I've done certain things & what it traces back to...
Just like this traces back to something pretty deep......it traces back to the times of abuse...it traces back to me sitting at my Grandmother's brown coffee table writing everything down in my diary...but as soon as I finished my last sentence, I destroyed that diary in fear of someone look'n down on me...
I didn't want them to see me as that "nothing" that intruders made me feel like...
& that was probably the very day that I made up in ma mind that I had to keep somethings covered...& even tho I'm free from all I've done, I still have the same mentality...
It has to go....!
"I trust everyone to be who they've shown me they are."
Meaning, if you show me I can't call you when I'm stranded, then I'll trust that you'll let me down when I need you. Or if I've told you something before that wasn't supposed to get repeated & people start to find out, then I'm gonna trust that you can't hold water. On a lighter note, if you've shown me that you're genuine & even been there to get me together when I break down, then I can trust you in that manner.
But one thing I realized today is that there's a cap on how much I trust people...even the ones that are the CLOSEST to me...even the ones I feel I know the best & can trust the most to be real.
I've capped the ability to let anyone in.......I rarely ever open up and speak on me; I much rather speak on others that have impacted me...I wear my heart on my sleeve, so it's not that I fear get'n hurt. I fear people see'n me like I see me...I fear allowing others to form their own opinion on me. I wanna play apart in it. I wanna portray myself in such a manner that pleases me...For so long, I've refused to appear broken, vulnerable, etc. Because I've been here too long.....
Conversations about me can only go so far before I'm pacing around the room saying..."Ok...drop it...I feel uncomfortable"...(even with the people I'm the closest to.) I've refused to let them behind that veil...
The crazy thing is, I know the truth! I know I'm not what I've done...God has even revealed to me why I've done certain things & what it traces back to...
Just like this traces back to something pretty deep......it traces back to the times of abuse...it traces back to me sitting at my Grandmother's brown coffee table writing everything down in my diary...but as soon as I finished my last sentence, I destroyed that diary in fear of someone look'n down on me...
I didn't want them to see me as that "nothing" that intruders made me feel like...
& that was probably the very day that I made up in ma mind that I had to keep somethings covered...& even tho I'm free from all I've done, I still have the same mentality...
It has to go....!
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
I'ma #ex
Look past the surface of wat the shirt reads...
look at my heart...
I supressed my entire past...
felt unloved...
limited forms of positive attention...
abused in every way...
didn't want to feel the pain any more.............
so I turned to marijuanna......
but God showed me His love...
taught me the truth about my life!
& now I'ma #ex...
going back for the others!
#breakthesilence
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Happy Birthday To Me!
Before the day begins...lemme say THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!
I'm head'd into my second decade in a few minutes & it's all because of you.
Never ever thought I'd even see it...but YOU knew...
& because of you I'm free to enjoy life & learn from my teenage years...
I did a lot...
But I won't continue in cycles anymore...
I'm no longer a baby who was scared to trust you...
I'm a young adult now who's entering into a relationship with you...
& I owe it all to you...
Thank You!
I'm head'd into my second decade in a few minutes & it's all because of you.
Never ever thought I'd even see it...but YOU knew...
& because of you I'm free to enjoy life & learn from my teenage years...
I did a lot...
But I won't continue in cycles anymore...
I'm no longer a baby who was scared to trust you...
I'm a young adult now who's entering into a relationship with you...
& I owe it all to you...
Thank You!
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Pearl.
Muthaaaa!♥
Hey girl! I miss you soooo much! Been think'n about you so much lately...it's been over a year now & I still can't get with the concept of you being gone...I just know I haven't seen you in a while...
Wow...I miss you...#sigh. I miss yu so much. & even though a lot is going on in life, I still remember all you taught me...
& even though every single temptation is alive & well here at school, I still remember the promise I made you...
Don't wanna make this long at all...just know that I love you. & your legacy is alive & well...& will continue on...
I named my car Pearl :) Papa gave me the BMW...& I couldn't think of a better name...we were in the guitar room talking after he gave it to me & was showing me his favorite guitar...& he named it Hattie Pearl♥
I remember the last time you were in the hospital...I didn't want to come, but they said I should...so I did. I came in the room...tried to be kool, but I threw a fit in the corner...because I knew....I knew I wouldn't have you too much longer with you...
& then when they put you on hospus, I knew...that huge family prayer we had in your room that night was vital for so many people! Because we knew...we knew we would have to step up be there for each other...we all knew.
I remember getting in trouble for coming in the house at 4 & 5 AM...because I didn't want to leave your bedside...I didn't realize how hard I was holding on until my Dad told me, "You can't make her stay...staying all night watching her sleep isn't going to make her stay"...#truthhurts.
Because I was DETERMINED TO MAKE YOU STAY! But I was being selfish...
I remember when I got that call that Saturday morning...
"Hey, Nishia...how are you? That's good...uhmm, are you by yourself? Ok, well, Mutha passed this morning.....Hello? Nishia?"
Yea.....I hated that call...your funeral was beautiful, but that last part......it tore me up...
Sorry to reflect so much...I just miss you. & my memories are all I have of you now...I miss you.
I want to end on a positive note, but all I can say is I miss you.....................................
Monday, October 18, 2010
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Friday, October 15, 2010
Mini-Epiphany.
You can truly see what has an hold on you when you consider the consequences before you act, & still choose to act...& you never realize what's hindering you until you strive to grow...you never can see what's really around you until you hit the light...
I got a lot of "doors of opportunities" in front of me at this very moment...very minute...very second. But in order to step through those doors, I have to step out of the rooms that I'm in at this very moment...very minute...very second. & I have to close the door.
I've been talking to my sisters about the door posts I'm standing in as of now...seems as though several of them have been in the exact same spot. Knowing what's holding them...knowing what has them bound...and not necessarily being kool with it, but accepting it...more or less...
Funny how the light from the rooms ahead of me cast shadows in the room that I'm currently considering leaving...also making things in this current room look much bigger, closer, and stronger than I've heard they should be...my reality is distorted. THANK GOD for my sisters...
To even consider stepping a foot outside of this room will mean moving more towards the light...which means becoming more vulnerable...more open...more exposed...
But the light is a gentle light...bright enough to captivate your attention, but not to the point where you can't look into it...it seems to bring a calmness over you and begins to draw you...draw you in...draw you in...until you're in...
Knowing this, I still stand in my door post...starring at the rooms ahead...knowing I gotta make a move...
I think it's about time I make my move.
I got a lot of "doors of opportunities" in front of me at this very moment...very minute...very second. But in order to step through those doors, I have to step out of the rooms that I'm in at this very moment...very minute...very second. & I have to close the door.
I've been talking to my sisters about the door posts I'm standing in as of now...seems as though several of them have been in the exact same spot. Knowing what's holding them...knowing what has them bound...and not necessarily being kool with it, but accepting it...more or less...
Funny how the light from the rooms ahead of me cast shadows in the room that I'm currently considering leaving...also making things in this current room look much bigger, closer, and stronger than I've heard they should be...my reality is distorted. THANK GOD for my sisters...
To even consider stepping a foot outside of this room will mean moving more towards the light...which means becoming more vulnerable...more open...more exposed...
But the light is a gentle light...bright enough to captivate your attention, but not to the point where you can't look into it...it seems to bring a calmness over you and begins to draw you...draw you in...draw you in...until you're in...
Knowing this, I still stand in my door post...starring at the rooms ahead...knowing I gotta make a move...
I think it's about time I make my move.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Story of Pain.
1997: Once upon time,...pain walk'd into JaNishia's life. Introduced himself & they became very familiar with each other...she was shocked to find pain there...how in THE WORLD did it find its way in?? Both of her parents were in the home...they were regular church goers...but pain found all the cracks and filled them...
2010: Pain has been fruitful and multiplied and made it's home in JaNishia's heart...it has built a wall that will only let some in and let the others only so close...it controls all of her emotions...and when pain is about to be exposed, it releases anger to completely mask what's really there: pain. & at this point, when he makes his usual apperances, she doesn't even acknowledge him...it's awkward for her...she's dealt with an "elephant in the room" for over ten years...avoiding pain is second nature to her.
pain is very inferior to God tho...when He comes in, pain muse flee...that's why whenever JaNishia gets into His presence, all she can do is cry...& cry...& cry...the hard, ugly cry because God is push'n the pain to the surface so that He can fill her completely...God is forcing pain back to hell, because those cracks, those vacant cracks, belong to Him.
2010: Pain has been fruitful and multiplied and made it's home in JaNishia's heart...it has built a wall that will only let some in and let the others only so close...it controls all of her emotions...and when pain is about to be exposed, it releases anger to completely mask what's really there: pain. & at this point, when he makes his usual apperances, she doesn't even acknowledge him...it's awkward for her...she's dealt with an "elephant in the room" for over ten years...avoiding pain is second nature to her.
pain is very inferior to God tho...when He comes in, pain muse flee...that's why whenever JaNishia gets into His presence, all she can do is cry...& cry...& cry...the hard, ugly cry because God is push'n the pain to the surface so that He can fill her completely...God is forcing pain back to hell, because those cracks, those vacant cracks, belong to Him.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
quick note.
Life is good. That's all I can really say...things are DEFINITELY not "peachy keen" but they're barable...all is well. I've found by way back to God...so all is possible...♥
Monday, August 2, 2010
Effort.
Soooo! Lately, I've been lazy. #iconfess. No matter what is suggested of me or to me, I keep finding myself saying..."That takes effort." & I don't do it. Either I've been given everything in my life & never really had to work for anything...(has a bit of truth to it)...or I'm extremely lazy...(has a lot of bit of truth to it)...AND I just may NEVER make anything out of my life if I continue in this way of thinking/living...(truth).
I was in prayer last nite, & God made somethings quite clear for me. It doesn't take effort to walk away from Him, but it takes effort to stay away from Him...just as it takes effort to STAY with Him. So, which one just makes waaay more sense??!!
The reason it doesn't take effort to walk away is because we're turning back to the things that are "natural" for us. Sin is natural for us. It comes naturally, so it takes no effort...BUT it takes effort to continue in sin, when you know you need to get back to God. You FIND things to do...shows to watch...search for songs to listen to to keep you occupied...because you know what's up! & it's not that you're running from it...you're just not heading back to Him as of right now...
And without question, it DEFINITELY takes effort to stay with God...to keep trust'n Him, deny'n yourself, keep'n His commands, etc. EFFORT!! But which makes more sense?!?! I look'd up the word "effort" and a synonym for it was: struggle. haa! think it's a coincidence that the words effort and struggle are synonymous? Not at all. They go together...so put them together!! Put effort towards defeating what you struggle with & you'll win!!
Quick SN: God set your life up for you! Granted, He's allowed you to go through things that have produced your current struggles, BUT he PROMISED you that you win! He's gone before you and defeated the evil one & unarmed his imps and principalities...and has empowered you through His word to continue to defeat him......it's as if God said..."All you have to do is give a little effort; I did everything else." And we can't do that?! C'mon.........(really fussing at myself, but I know I'm not alone!)
But back to what we were talking about...I choose to put effort into staying with God than to put effort into staying away from Him.
God Bless Ya'll
♥
I was in prayer last nite, & God made somethings quite clear for me. It doesn't take effort to walk away from Him, but it takes effort to stay away from Him...just as it takes effort to STAY with Him. So, which one just makes waaay more sense??!!
The reason it doesn't take effort to walk away is because we're turning back to the things that are "natural" for us. Sin is natural for us. It comes naturally, so it takes no effort...BUT it takes effort to continue in sin, when you know you need to get back to God. You FIND things to do...shows to watch...search for songs to listen to to keep you occupied...because you know what's up! & it's not that you're running from it...you're just not heading back to Him as of right now...
And without question, it DEFINITELY takes effort to stay with God...to keep trust'n Him, deny'n yourself, keep'n His commands, etc. EFFORT!! But which makes more sense?!?! I look'd up the word "effort" and a synonym for it was: struggle. haa! think it's a coincidence that the words effort and struggle are synonymous? Not at all. They go together...so put them together!! Put effort towards defeating what you struggle with & you'll win!!
Quick SN: God set your life up for you! Granted, He's allowed you to go through things that have produced your current struggles, BUT he PROMISED you that you win! He's gone before you and defeated the evil one & unarmed his imps and principalities...and has empowered you through His word to continue to defeat him......it's as if God said..."All you have to do is give a little effort; I did everything else." And we can't do that?! C'mon.........(really fussing at myself, but I know I'm not alone!)
But back to what we were talking about...I choose to put effort into staying with God than to put effort into staying away from Him.
God Bless Ya'll
♥
Monday, July 26, 2010
Mountain High.
Coming down from Mountain High
Temptations on every side
But I feel as though nothing alive can stop my stride...
Doused with a new frame of mind...
Moving freely.
Chains have been left behind.
Temptations try to follow me,
But my eyes are fixed on the prize!
No more will I fall by the wayside......
And as I drift down off my high
My laziness becomes magnified.
And I actually have to put effort into staying saved this time.
And you see, effort is not really my thing...
(Even though it's obviously the key
To failure or living successfully.)
Sigh...that gotta be the catch!
Because like the back of my hand, I know what happens next.
I battle...I lose...I fall.
Even though I know the scriptures...
Even know I memorized them all.
And it's not that I gave up.
It's that I rather cope, then fight.
I rather settle & to my surprise
My flesh never died.
But before I turn back, let me truthfully speak
Honestly, I appreciate everything you've done for me...
And humbly, I willingly pass up all the opportunities you've offered me
Because if the truth be told, I'm more comfortable pleasing me.
Then God spoke to me:
"You know how to be bound...
But you don't know how to be free.
You're searching for a comfort zone...
You don't know how to trust me.
You're contemplating a change of heart...
You don't know how to love me.
You don't know how to please me,
But you know how to hurt me."
Ouch. Hit home.
And I realize that I have to leave this cycle alone.
Effort, Pain & Humility is the key...
The key to living for you.
Same key you used to die for me.
So, I'll fight...
I'll fight for my life.
It's my choice.
And now that I'm free,
It's my right.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
strategic.
Well...I can honestly begin by saying that I have no idea how this blog will turn out or what will be discussed...but I'll began by saying that I'm grateful for my life......my life has been waaay too...(searching for word)........(couldn't find one.) I've been thru a lot...(understatement). God had a plan for my life, but guess who else did??
Yep. Satan did.
Full blown out scheduled plan. Severely detailed. Most of it was obviously unveiled to me, (because I play'd right into it)...but what about the dangers, threats, & traps I couldn't see??....wow. What about the times I was severely tormented and couldn't even speak? or think clearly? or the times I was drunk and high...out of my mind...out driving?! i STILL don't know how I got home.......I was clearly warned in 1 Peter 1:13 "Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil is as a roaring lion, seeking whom he might devour."
Didn't listen.
What about the times where I purposely said in my heart that I WILL NOT OBEY aka "Doing Me". How about the relationships that I entered...the ones that required more of me...the ones I left God for. Yes, I've done it. Often. Took a stab at a lot of things...
Yet, I open my eyes day after day. I would love to ask why, but I rather take a minute to realize how important it is to yield my life over to God...it's gotta be a reason He kept me. I rather find the answer to that. Which will answer both questions...
Take a minute to think back...take a minute to look around and acknowledge. Only you know what COULD'VE possibly taken place & Satan's MANY attempts to demolish you...BUT GOD. #thinkonthat. #goodnite.
Yep. Satan did.
Full blown out scheduled plan. Severely detailed. Most of it was obviously unveiled to me, (because I play'd right into it)...but what about the dangers, threats, & traps I couldn't see??....wow. What about the times I was severely tormented and couldn't even speak? or think clearly? or the times I was drunk and high...out of my mind...out driving?! i STILL don't know how I got home.......I was clearly warned in 1 Peter 1:13 "Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil is as a roaring lion, seeking whom he might devour."
Didn't listen.
What about the times where I purposely said in my heart that I WILL NOT OBEY aka "Doing Me". How about the relationships that I entered...the ones that required more of me...the ones I left God for. Yes, I've done it. Often. Took a stab at a lot of things...
Yet, I open my eyes day after day. I would love to ask why, but I rather take a minute to realize how important it is to yield my life over to God...it's gotta be a reason He kept me. I rather find the answer to that. Which will answer both questions...
Take a minute to think back...take a minute to look around and acknowledge. Only you know what COULD'VE possibly taken place & Satan's MANY attempts to demolish you...BUT GOD. #thinkonthat. #goodnite.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Don't Watse Your Life!...(please don't).
God is a merciful God. Everyday that you open your eyes, you have a choice to make...You can either choose to grow or waste the day. & when I say "grow", I mean become a better person. & when I say "watse the day", I don't mean sleep all day. You can fly half way around the world to complete your bucket list & still waste your day. I'm talk'n growing in God... not being content where you are, but striving to go higher.
It's extremely easy to not try & go on with your everyday routine of waking up, texting back whoever texted you, eating, showering, checking your facebook...twitter...hooking up with whoever, head back home, talk on the fone until you fall asleep...& do it all again the next day, week, month, year.......& then a year goes by and you look up & realize that you're still in the same place in your life as you were last year....that's not progress! That's not growing.
Like me, you've been given a dream and a vision that you're supposed to be working towards. You can have all the potential in the world, but you're a failure without effort! Faith without works is dead!!
Growing is a beautiful thing...it's along the lines of learning something new everyday! It's beautiful! Yielding to God at the top of your day is truly honoring Him...ask Him to show you what He wants you to see on that particular day...ask Him what it is that He wants to teach you...what does He want you to go to bed meditating on...what is it that He wants to reveal to you about yourself so that you can correct it. & before you know it, He will have molded, developed, and equipped you to take you even higher. It's an amazing process...amazing journey...but you have to be sober minded...& deny yourself. Your flesh will definitely try to rise & take over. The flesh HATES growth. Deny yourself.
We're on borrowed time anyway...you better seek God. We owe it to Him & so much more. Remember that! Don't waste your day...don't watse your life...
It's extremely easy to not try & go on with your everyday routine of waking up, texting back whoever texted you, eating, showering, checking your facebook...twitter...hooking up with whoever, head back home, talk on the fone until you fall asleep...& do it all again the next day, week, month, year.......& then a year goes by and you look up & realize that you're still in the same place in your life as you were last year....that's not progress! That's not growing.
Like me, you've been given a dream and a vision that you're supposed to be working towards. You can have all the potential in the world, but you're a failure without effort! Faith without works is dead!!
Growing is a beautiful thing...it's along the lines of learning something new everyday! It's beautiful! Yielding to God at the top of your day is truly honoring Him...ask Him to show you what He wants you to see on that particular day...ask Him what it is that He wants to teach you...what does He want you to go to bed meditating on...what is it that He wants to reveal to you about yourself so that you can correct it. & before you know it, He will have molded, developed, and equipped you to take you even higher. It's an amazing process...amazing journey...but you have to be sober minded...& deny yourself. Your flesh will definitely try to rise & take over. The flesh HATES growth. Deny yourself.
We're on borrowed time anyway...you better seek God. We owe it to Him & so much more. Remember that! Don't waste your day...don't watse your life...
Friday, June 18, 2010
My search will not end...
Seems like I spent this whole life of mine
Searching & searching trying to find...
A life filled with love that You already gave
Because of the searching, it pulled me away...
Searching & searching trying to find...
A life filled with love that You already gave
Because of the searching, it pulled me away...
Found all the heartache
Found all the pain
Found all the drama...
Found all the shame
But my search will not end.
No, my search will not end...
Until I find myself lost in you again♥
-Fred Hammond
Thursday, June 17, 2010
true meaning of obedience.
Man! It seems like all I can see are the things that are about me!!...& that's not reality. I deny myself.
OBDIENCE
Love & Basketball♥
So, I fell in love when I was about nine...with a grown tail man named Wilson♥ This is Wilson--->
& I love him! We were going strong for SEVEN WHOLE YEARS!!...(by far, my longest lasting relationship everrrr)...& we just got better with time. People noticed us...I mean, we were a BIG DEAL...but we soon had to break up......
I got hurt in this relationship during my jr. year of high school...blew ma knee out...(MCL...#epicfail.) I was heart broken...
I did everything I could to get him back! I mean, I saw thereapists...I work'n on my own...got in better shape, but Wilson had moved on...did I mention I was heartbroken?
I did everything I could to get him back! I mean, I saw thereapists...I work'n on my own...got in better shape, but Wilson had moved on...did I mention I was heartbroken?
But after about two years, Wilson has found my heart again...& he has pursued it HARD. Just when I was extremely close to giving up on the thought of us ever being together again...he start'd showing up in my dreams. & I thought to give him another shot, & now, I can honestly say that there's not a day that goes by where we're not spending time together. I love him & this kind of love is forever♥
But Wilson is not the only one competing for my heart...there's this guy...(actual real person) that is coming in first place at the moment...won't release his name just yet. #justknow. but anyway, he just so happened to meet some of ma fam already; which definitely wasn't planned! But since we've been spending a lot of time together & I've been spending a lot of time with my family, it's only right to introduce him! So yea...he's winning. The fam likes him...my little cousins love him!! & you know that's huge!!
I just might be in love with two men...& as bold as I am, I introduced them to each other Monday night. The three of us spent time together...♥ Turns out that Wilson & my guy know each other (no homo)...so we all got along quite well.
*Well...since I think with my heart, I thought I'd tell yu what was on my mind. Things are going well right now...& if all three of us continue to get al
ong, I just might make a movie.
ong, I just might make a movie.Might call it Love & Basketball♥
So, I've been M.I.A. for a minute because this stupid internet key won't read on my laptop anymore...so I have to use Mom's♥ But I'm about to be devoted, because there's a lot taking place this days...
*So...back to "exploring the depths" of growing up...it's actually an amazingly deep concept! I always figured growing up was:
- Getting taller!
- Mom & Dad exstending curfew.
- First job...first car.
- & all the other typical/fairytale stuff......
When it has turned out to be so much more than that...which shocks me everyday. Didn't know you could grow everyday...
Well...as of now, I'm learning that it's still ok to mess up & have struggles...I was goin so hard for so long that I thought it was unacceptable to be human anymore...*Thank God for Jesus♥
I'm surely growing everyday...& I'll start reporting more so this process can be recorded...#imout
#explanation
*First, let me clear up the top pic. I'm in NO WAY into the whole..."third eye/enlightenment crap"...it's simply a picture of my right eye...lol. On this site, you're looking through my eyes & walking in my shoes...& that's why I chose it.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Wow.
Got the news this morning that one of my classmates was shot to death last nite............"How do you respond to news like that?" Felt like something hit me...knock'd the wind outta me...how can people be so heartless?!! The nerve of them to take someone else's life!! (Yea, I know this happens everyday, but in my narrow little close minded mind, it's still wrong...)...this is crazy.
Araybia, you had to be the sweetest, preetiest, prittsiest...lol...GOOFIEST, friend I had in high school. Seriously. You put a smile on everybody's face by just being your softspoken self...& then you had your beautiful baby boy...gorgeous lil boy. I remember playing with him & talking to you before I went off to school. You wished me the best & we promised to keep in touch....
(Yea)...this hurts...life's so short! When you woke up yesterday, I bet you never imagined that it would your last...I didn't either. I love you forever girl....& you'll forever be missed. Rest well!
Araybia, you had to be the sweetest, preetiest, prittsiest...lol...GOOFIEST, friend I had in high school. Seriously. You put a smile on everybody's face by just being your softspoken self...& then you had your beautiful baby boy...gorgeous lil boy. I remember playing with him & talking to you before I went off to school. You wished me the best & we promised to keep in touch....
(Yea)...this hurts...life's so short! When you woke up yesterday, I bet you never imagined that it would your last...I didn't either. I love you forever girl....& you'll forever be missed. Rest well!
Friday, June 4, 2010
Thursday, June 3, 2010
It's as if I cut a vein & let these words bleed.
Hypnotized. But with open eyes...
Heavy heart, but no pulse.
Possibly head'd down to where the lifeless go...
Petrified of take'n this road.
Wanna turn back, but...#shrug
I just don't know.
My pride is in overdrive.
"Ms. Understood" is tattooed across my mind...
Why? Oh why?
"Ms. Understood" is tattooed across my mind...
Why? Oh why?
This can't be real.
Anxious to throw the towel in...
Seal the deal.
Eager to kill the noise.
Drown the pain.
The old way...by doing the old things...
I'm talk'n about mind altering drugs.
Immoral kisses and hugs.
& since my pride is in overdrive,
there's no guarantee that my desires will be denied.
No lie.
I'm seriously hypnotized. But with open eyes...
Trance like stage.
Thoughts aren't mine.
Mind is occupied.
Though they're persuasive, I refuse to believe a lie...
So, now I'm battling.
#sigh.
Why? Oh Why?
Bound and chained with 10 year old lies...
Wanna be tough.
"Nope. I don't cry."
I just (#sigh.)
Turn away from the sky
To solely rely on my pride.
Somehow, I believe freedom is still attainable.
Though this period in my life is unexplainable.
& my strength is unsustainable...
But through this pain, I must still be trainable.
Hypnotized. But with teary eyes...
Cold tears have awaken me...
Now conscious of where the grip of torment has taken me
And how it has mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually shaken me
Attempting to establish me as a full time vacancy
Running full force into God
He's break'n me down...no place to hide.
And he tells me He wants me to fight!
But more importantly abide!!
And Even in my disobedience, He boldly promised...
"I won't let you be buried alive!"
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
?
Wonder'n if things are even possible anymore or even possibly worth it. I'm not one for sob stories. I'm also not the one to walk around with a heavy heart & a closed mouth.
Before I came back to Illinois, I told my girls that this summer would either make or break me. Right now, it has all the potential to go either way.
Things are just not making logical sense right now...
But that could be the problem though...
I'm thinking logically.
Lost for words...don't know what to do anymore...
Before I came back to Illinois, I told my girls that this summer would either make or break me. Right now, it has all the potential to go either way.
Things are just not making logical sense right now...
But that could be the problem though...
I'm thinking logically.
Lost for words...don't know what to do anymore...
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Untitled.
I open the shades...
Let in some light...
The doubt became nothing...
...witnessed the evaporation of fright...
The silhouettes became visible...
Became obvious images...
And for once, as clear as day,
I could obviously see my hindrances.
The light drove out the creepy crawlers of the night...
Blatantly rebuked everything that wasn't right.
Definitely made everything black & white...
But suddenly, flipping on the light killed my eyesight
Squinting, trying to make sense of things...
knowing my reasoning can't be right.
So I went towards the light
But for the sake of life
Acknowledging that He's the light of the world...
I am now led by Christ.
Portion of My Dream Last Night...
Walked up to ma aunt...threw my arms around her...& told her...
"I love yu so much. Just think yu should know."
She said "Ok."
While leaning on her, I said, "You're the only thing holding me up right now."
She made a face...as if she wasn't surprised.
& I said, "But I'm gonna let go, because this just isn't fair."
(figuratively makes sense.)
"I love yu so much. Just think yu should know."
She said "Ok."
While leaning on her, I said, "You're the only thing holding me up right now."
She made a face...as if she wasn't surprised.
& I said, "But I'm gonna let go, because this just isn't fair."
(figuratively makes sense.)
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
#itbelikethatsometimes
Never perceived growing up to be so difficult when I was younger...it's tough tho...no wonder so many people decided not to do it. #itbelikethatsometimes
"The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise."
-Alden Nowan
"The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise."
-Alden Nowan
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Still Hope.
Walls are caving in
The tears are starting again
But if I won’t begin
There’ll be no end
It’s just so hard
So many questions
So much I don’t understand
So many unlearned lessons…
I guess
This is the biggest test
That’s ever been placed in front of me
& the test looks quite familiar
But the answers are foreign to me
This is sickening
Waking up & lying down with a heavy heart
Paranoid
Devoid of a clean start
Because of this pain
This deep pain…
Man…
Reminds me of the lame man…
When Jesus told him “Rise! Take up your bed & walk.”
Thinking on it now, he had to think Jesus was all talk…
He had been there so long…
& then this man comes along…
Makes a suggestion.
A proposition…
I mean…did he really know his position?
How could he think it could be that simple??
For Pete’s Sake…He’s a cripple!!
He didn’t take into consideration how weak he might’ve been…
Didn’t even help him up…
& when I look at the reality…
I realize that this is the bitter cup that has been placed in front of me
Must I drink from it?
I mean, I’ve tried!
I’ve sip’d…
It was too strong
Is that why I’ve been here this long?
I mean, I could write a song…
It would go like “la la la…I’M TIRED OF THIS!”
Is this a trick?
How come I couldn’t pick
A smaller cross?
How come I couldn’t pay a smaller cost?
I don’t wanna sound like a soap opera…
I just wanna tell the truth
“Nishia, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
& as you walk away I think “Yeah,, I just lied.”
& you know it, because you’re starring in the eyes that just cried.
I apologize if sob stories are all I produce.
It really sucks, but I’m getting kinda use to it…
I HATE THIS.
I guess I should end on a happy note…
“God is still on the throne…
…so there’s still hope.”
The tears are starting again
But if I won’t begin
There’ll be no end
It’s just so hard
So many questions
So much I don’t understand
So many unlearned lessons…
I guess
This is the biggest test
That’s ever been placed in front of me
& the test looks quite familiar
But the answers are foreign to me
This is sickening
Waking up & lying down with a heavy heart
Paranoid
Devoid of a clean start
Because of this pain
This deep pain…
Man…
Reminds me of the lame man…
When Jesus told him “Rise! Take up your bed & walk.”
Thinking on it now, he had to think Jesus was all talk…
He had been there so long…
& then this man comes along…
Makes a suggestion.
A proposition…
I mean…did he really know his position?
How could he think it could be that simple??
For Pete’s Sake…He’s a cripple!!
He didn’t take into consideration how weak he might’ve been…
Didn’t even help him up…
& when I look at the reality…
I realize that this is the bitter cup that has been placed in front of me
Must I drink from it?
I mean, I’ve tried!
I’ve sip’d…
It was too strong
Is that why I’ve been here this long?
I mean, I could write a song…
It would go like “la la la…I’M TIRED OF THIS!”
Is this a trick?
How come I couldn’t pick
A smaller cross?
How come I couldn’t pay a smaller cost?
I don’t wanna sound like a soap opera…
I just wanna tell the truth
“Nishia, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
& as you walk away I think “Yeah,, I just lied.”
& you know it, because you’re starring in the eyes that just cried.
I apologize if sob stories are all I produce.
It really sucks, but I’m getting kinda use to it…
I HATE THIS.
I guess I should end on a happy note…
“God is still on the throne…
…so there’s still hope.”
Friday, May 14, 2010
#trustmeonthisone
I'm so dedicated to what I'm called to do & so anxious to start working...& as soon as I clean my hands and I'm ready, I fall on my face.
You simply can't rush into tomorrow when you keep waking up to yesterday. It doesn't work that way. You must take time today & deal with yesterday...or there won't be a tomorrow.
How far can you get if you're weighed down?
Personally, I've never been so broken and hurt in my life! My scars from yesterday have never been so obvious...I'm ready to lay these weights aside & run on to my expected end.
The only way to overcome is with God walking you through it...the only way. Seek his face with all the questions you have. He'll answer them all.
#trustmeonthisone
You simply can't rush into tomorrow when you keep waking up to yesterday. It doesn't work that way. You must take time today & deal with yesterday...or there won't be a tomorrow.
How far can you get if you're weighed down?
Personally, I've never been so broken and hurt in my life! My scars from yesterday have never been so obvious...I'm ready to lay these weights aside & run on to my expected end.
The only way to overcome is with God walking you through it...the only way. Seek his face with all the questions you have. He'll answer them all.
#trustmeonthisone
Danger
Let’s talk about comfort zones.
It’s a form of deception really…
They seem to be “comforting” but in reality, they are ruining you…
In my case, God has laid it on my heart to do some major work with the youth this summer. And before I could make sense of what all He wanted me to do, my phone was ringing.
Got a call from my Uncle…He wants to collaborate and do some effective work. That is huge to me, because I’ve observed my Uncle all my life and when it comes to ministry, he doesn’t take it lightly. Everything his hands touch prospers. And I always wanted to work with him, but he won’t let me in the studio…lol. But that’s not my calling…this is…& I’m excited about it.
Also supposed to go meet with some leaders in the area about launching a summer mentoring program. Just waiting for the call letting me know the date of the meeting.
& I’ve been home a week and a day and I’ve been told by so many that “the youth need something.”
God will definitely confirm what He gives you.
So, now I’m staying before God…allowing Him to speak…& tell me His plan for His people.
BUT…
There are some things I haven’t deal with…& now that God is equipping me to do Kingdom work, my past is sprouting its ugly little head…basically saying... “Hey! Don’t forget about me!”
& with my past comes struggles…& while struggling, I've found a "haven" to run into to get away from it all.
That’s where the comfort zones come into play…
In that atmosphere, there is nothing pushing you to do better…be better…try harder. You’re completely content. Not satisfied…just settled. Not giving up on your assignment…just giving up on yourself, temporarily. Worst place you can be…because it becomes about you & not about God.
Proverbs 7 (*her vaguely represents deception & definitely describes a comfort zone)
25: “Do not let your heart turn aside to her ways, Do not stray into her paths;
26: For she has cast down many wounded, and all who were slain by her were strong men.
27: Her house is the way to hell, descending to the chambers of death.”
Proverbs 9 (*striving to survive in comfort zones)
17: “Stolen water is sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant.
18: But he does know that the dead are there, that her guests are in the depths of hell.”
I pray that you can see how dangerous comfort zones really are.
The hardest thing to do once you’ve fallen is to get up. It’s so comfortable down there…(that’s the problem). God is not going to challenge you to maturity & make it comfortable for you.
That would be like Moses being comfortable confronting Pharaoh…
Or Abraham being comfortable leaving his familiar land and relocating…
Or Peter comfortably walking on the water to meet Jesus…
No sir. No ma’am. It just doesn’t happen that way. They were simply aware that their life was not about them. And being uncomfortable meant that they were denying themselves…
Get up yo! We’ve had this talk…you have people that you’re assigned to that are waiting for you to consecrate yourself before God, enter their lives, and make a miraculous difference!
And you definitely do need a haven. Life is rough. Try running into God, instead of running into yourself.
Hebrews
12: “Therefore, strengthen the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees
13: and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be dislocated, but rather be healed.”
It’s a form of deception really…
They seem to be “comforting” but in reality, they are ruining you…
In my case, God has laid it on my heart to do some major work with the youth this summer. And before I could make sense of what all He wanted me to do, my phone was ringing.
Got a call from my Uncle…He wants to collaborate and do some effective work. That is huge to me, because I’ve observed my Uncle all my life and when it comes to ministry, he doesn’t take it lightly. Everything his hands touch prospers. And I always wanted to work with him, but he won’t let me in the studio…lol. But that’s not my calling…this is…& I’m excited about it.
Also supposed to go meet with some leaders in the area about launching a summer mentoring program. Just waiting for the call letting me know the date of the meeting.
& I’ve been home a week and a day and I’ve been told by so many that “the youth need something.”
God will definitely confirm what He gives you.
So, now I’m staying before God…allowing Him to speak…& tell me His plan for His people.
BUT…
There are some things I haven’t deal with…& now that God is equipping me to do Kingdom work, my past is sprouting its ugly little head…basically saying... “Hey! Don’t forget about me!”
& with my past comes struggles…& while struggling, I've found a "haven" to run into to get away from it all.
That’s where the comfort zones come into play…
In that atmosphere, there is nothing pushing you to do better…be better…try harder. You’re completely content. Not satisfied…just settled. Not giving up on your assignment…just giving up on yourself, temporarily. Worst place you can be…because it becomes about you & not about God.
Proverbs 7 (*her vaguely represents deception & definitely describes a comfort zone)
25: “Do not let your heart turn aside to her ways, Do not stray into her paths;
26: For she has cast down many wounded, and all who were slain by her were strong men.
27: Her house is the way to hell, descending to the chambers of death.”
Proverbs 9 (*striving to survive in comfort zones)
17: “Stolen water is sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant.
18: But he does know that the dead are there, that her guests are in the depths of hell.”
I pray that you can see how dangerous comfort zones really are.
The hardest thing to do once you’ve fallen is to get up. It’s so comfortable down there…(that’s the problem). God is not going to challenge you to maturity & make it comfortable for you.
That would be like Moses being comfortable confronting Pharaoh…
Or Abraham being comfortable leaving his familiar land and relocating…
Or Peter comfortably walking on the water to meet Jesus…
No sir. No ma’am. It just doesn’t happen that way. They were simply aware that their life was not about them. And being uncomfortable meant that they were denying themselves…
Get up yo! We’ve had this talk…you have people that you’re assigned to that are waiting for you to consecrate yourself before God, enter their lives, and make a miraculous difference!
And you definitely do need a haven. Life is rough. Try running into God, instead of running into yourself.
Hebrews
12: “Therefore, strengthen the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees
13: and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be dislocated, but rather be healed.”
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
I Wouldn't Believe It.
So, you mean to tell me...that my generation is going to rot away to nothing? That we'll always be captivated by the pain of our childhood? That we'll find comfort zones & stay in them? That we'll we'll be okay with being disrespectful to our elders? That we'll completely do away with the principles of the bible and take all of our instructions and inspirations from the world? That we'll allow music to take us to a place where God can't even reach us? That we'll accept, praise, and give a listening ear to artists that we know have taken a stand against God?
So, you mean to tell me that my generation is so arrogant that we'll sit down on God in His house?? And when the church does require participation of us, we'll proudly stand up in His presence? Because we think the whole "church routine" is weak? Singing weak...praying weak..preaching weak...the fellowship is weak...God weak...?
So, you mean to tell me that the chosen of this generation are not going to rise and take their place? Are we really going to sit back and watch others, that have had the same struggles as us, suffer & not say anything? Are we really that selfish? Are we really that deceived, thinking we can do our own thing? Or is it that we've seen too much hypocrisy to even try? Have we been hurt way too many times to care anymore? Do we refuse to feel pain anymore?
Are we the generation that Satan has been fight'n for all along? Did he know that most of his tricks and deception would be unveiled in our lifetime? Did he know that we are definitely chosen of God, being called to lead in this hour? Did he know that sin would actually be extremely attractive during our lifetime? Did he know that our role models would take a stance against God and that our history of religion classes would get more scientifically advanced? Did he know that our parents would have their own agendas, allowing him to enhance his agenda? I mean, was it his plan to trap mama, grandma, and great grandma all with the same......trying to make it impossible for us to ever prosper at anything?
So, you mean to tell me that even though we know we're called, we have made this life about us? Are we really that selfish? Is this a hopeless generation?
If you did tell me that, I wouldn't believe you. I know better than to believe that.
So, you mean to tell me that my generation is so arrogant that we'll sit down on God in His house?? And when the church does require participation of us, we'll proudly stand up in His presence? Because we think the whole "church routine" is weak? Singing weak...praying weak..preaching weak...the fellowship is weak...God weak...?
So, you mean to tell me that the chosen of this generation are not going to rise and take their place? Are we really going to sit back and watch others, that have had the same struggles as us, suffer & not say anything? Are we really that selfish? Are we really that deceived, thinking we can do our own thing? Or is it that we've seen too much hypocrisy to even try? Have we been hurt way too many times to care anymore? Do we refuse to feel pain anymore?
Are we the generation that Satan has been fight'n for all along? Did he know that most of his tricks and deception would be unveiled in our lifetime? Did he know that we are definitely chosen of God, being called to lead in this hour? Did he know that sin would actually be extremely attractive during our lifetime? Did he know that our role models would take a stance against God and that our history of religion classes would get more scientifically advanced? Did he know that our parents would have their own agendas, allowing him to enhance his agenda? I mean, was it his plan to trap mama, grandma, and great grandma all with the same......trying to make it impossible for us to ever prosper at anything?
So, you mean to tell me that even though we know we're called, we have made this life about us? Are we really that selfish? Is this a hopeless generation?
If you did tell me that, I wouldn't believe you. I know better than to believe that.
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