Allow me to turn around and address the issues of yesterday...I'm tired of it following me... Tomorrow is too bright...no need for the shadows of yesterday.

?

Wonder'n if things are even possible anymore or even possibly worth it. I'm not one for sob stories. I'm also not the one to walk around with a heavy heart & a closed mouth.

Before I came back to Illinois, I told my girls that this summer would either make or break me. Right now, it has all the potential to go either way.

Things are just not making logical sense right now...

But that could be the problem though...

I'm thinking logically.

Lost for words...don't know what to do anymore...

Untitled.

I open the shades...

Let in some light...

The doubt became nothing...

...witnessed the evaporation of fright...

The silhouettes became visible...

Became obvious images...

And for once, as clear as day,

I could obviously see my hindrances.

The light drove out the creepy crawlers of the night...

Blatantly rebuked everything that wasn't right.

Definitely made everything black & white...

But suddenly, flipping on the light killed my eyesight

Squinting, trying to make sense of things...

knowing my reasoning can't be right.

So I went towards the light

But for the sake of life

Acknowledging that He's the light of the world...

I am now led by Christ.

If I never get out of this bed, sleeping will be the only possibility of ever attaining my dreams...#lazinessmustdie!!

Portion of My Dream Last Night...

Walked up to ma aunt...threw my arms around her...& told her...

"I love yu so much. Just think yu should know."

She said "Ok."

While leaning on her, I said, "You're the only thing holding me up right now."

She made a face...as if she wasn't surprised.

& I said, "But I'm gonna let go, because this just isn't fair."

(figuratively makes sense.)

#itbelikethatsometimes

Never perceived growing up to be so difficult when I was younger...it's tough tho...no wonder so many people decided not to do it. #itbelikethatsometimes

"The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise."
-Alden Nowan

My Only Hope!

Still Hope.

Walls are caving in
The tears are starting again
But if I won’t begin
There’ll be no end
It’s just so hard
So many questions
So much I don’t understand
So many unlearned lessons…
I guess
This is the biggest test
That’s ever been placed in front of me
& the test looks quite familiar
But the answers are foreign to me

This is sickening
Waking up & lying down with a heavy heart
Paranoid
Devoid of a clean start
Because of this pain
This deep pain…
Man…
Reminds me of the lame man…
When Jesus told him “Rise! Take up your bed & walk.”
Thinking on it now, he had to think Jesus was all talk…
He had been there so long…
& then this man comes along…
Makes a suggestion.
A proposition…
I mean…did he really know his position?
How could he think it could be that simple??
For Pete’s Sake…He’s a cripple!!
He didn’t take into consideration how weak he might’ve been…
Didn’t even help him up…
& when I look at the reality…
I realize that this is the bitter cup that has been placed in front of me

Must I drink from it?
I mean, I’ve tried!
I’ve sip’d…
It was too strong
Is that why I’ve been here this long?
I mean, I could write a song…
It would go like “la la la…I’M TIRED OF THIS!”
Is this a trick?
How come I couldn’t pick
A smaller cross?
How come I couldn’t pay a smaller cost?

I don’t wanna sound like a soap opera…
I just wanna tell the truth
“Nishia, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
& as you walk away I think “Yeah,, I just lied.”
& you know it, because you’re starring in the eyes that just cried.

I apologize if sob stories are all I produce.
It really sucks, but I’m getting kinda use to it…
I HATE THIS.
I guess I should end on a happy note…
“God is still on the throne…
…so there’s still hope.”

#trustmeonthisone

I'm so dedicated to what I'm called to do & so anxious to start working...& as soon as I clean my hands and I'm ready, I fall on my face.

You simply can't rush into tomorrow when you keep waking up to yesterday. It doesn't work that way. You must take time today & deal with yesterday...or there won't be a tomorrow.

How far can you get if you're weighed down?

Personally, I've never been so broken and hurt in my life! My scars from yesterday have never been so obvious...I'm ready to lay these weights aside & run on to my expected end.

The only way to overcome is with God walking you through it...the only way. Seek his face with all the questions you have. He'll answer them all.

#trustmeonthisone

Danger

Let’s talk about comfort zones.
It’s a form of deception really…
They seem to be “comforting” but in reality, they are ruining you…

In my case, God has laid it on my heart to do some major work with the youth this summer. And before I could make sense of what all He wanted me to do, my phone was ringing.

Got a call from my Uncle…He wants to collaborate and do some effective work. That is huge to me, because I’ve observed my Uncle all my life and when it comes to ministry, he doesn’t take it lightly. Everything his hands touch prospers. And I always wanted to work with him, but he won’t let me in the studio…lol. But that’s not my calling…this is…& I’m excited about it.

Also supposed to go meet with some leaders in the area about launching a summer mentoring program. Just waiting for the call letting me know the date of the meeting.

& I’ve been home a week and a day and I’ve been told by so many that “the youth need something.”

God will definitely confirm what He gives you.

So, now I’m staying before God…allowing Him to speak…& tell me His plan for His people.
BUT…
There are some things I haven’t deal with…& now that God is equipping me to do Kingdom work, my past is sprouting its ugly little head…basically saying... “Hey! Don’t forget about me!”
& with my past comes struggles…& while struggling, I've found a "haven" to run into to get away from it all.

That’s where the comfort zones come into play…

In that atmosphere, there is nothing pushing you to do better…be better…try harder. You’re completely content. Not satisfied…just settled. Not giving up on your assignment…just giving up on yourself, temporarily. Worst place you can be…because it becomes about you & not about God.

Proverbs 7 (*her vaguely represents deception & definitely describes a comfort zone)
25: “Do not let your heart turn aside to her ways, Do not stray into her paths;
26: For she has cast down many wounded, and all who were slain by her were strong men.
27: Her house is the way to hell, descending to the chambers of death.”

Proverbs 9 (*striving to survive in comfort zones)
17: “Stolen water is sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant.
18: But he does know that the dead are there, that her guests are in the depths of hell.”

I pray that you can see how dangerous comfort zones really are.

The hardest thing to do once you’ve fallen is to get up. It’s so comfortable down there…(that’s the problem). God is not going to challenge you to maturity & make it comfortable for you.

That would be like Moses being comfortable confronting Pharaoh…
Or Abraham being comfortable leaving his familiar land and relocating…
Or Peter comfortably walking on the water to meet Jesus…

No sir. No ma’am. It just doesn’t happen that way. They were simply aware that their life was not about them. And being uncomfortable meant that they were denying themselves…

Get up yo! We’ve had this talk…you have people that you’re assigned to that are waiting for you to consecrate yourself before God, enter their lives, and make a miraculous difference!

And you definitely do need a haven. Life is rough. Try running into God, instead of running into yourself.

Hebrews
12: “Therefore, strengthen the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees
13: and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be dislocated, but rather be healed.”

Unplugged.

I Wouldn't Believe It.

So, you mean to tell me...that my generation is going to rot away to nothing? That we'll always be captivated by the pain of our childhood? That we'll find comfort zones & stay in them? That we'll we'll be okay with being disrespectful to our elders? That we'll completely do away with the principles of the bible and take all of our instructions and inspirations from the world? That we'll allow music to take us to a place where God can't even reach us? That we'll accept, praise, and give a listening ear to artists that we know have taken a stand against God?

So, you mean to tell me that my generation is so arrogant that we'll sit down on God in His house?? And when the church does require participation of us, we'll proudly stand up in His presence? Because we think the whole "church routine" is weak? Singing weak...praying weak..preaching weak...the fellowship is weak...God weak...?

So, you mean to tell me that the chosen of this generation are not going to rise and take their place? Are we really going to sit back and watch others, that have had the same struggles as us, suffer & not say anything? Are we really that selfish? Are we really that deceived, thinking we can do our own thing? Or is it that we've seen too much hypocrisy to even try? Have we been hurt way too many times to care anymore? Do we refuse to feel pain anymore?

Are we the generation that Satan has been fight'n for all along? Did he know that most of his tricks and deception would be unveiled in our lifetime? Did he know that we are definitely chosen of God, being called to lead in this hour? Did he know that sin would actually be extremely attractive during our lifetime? Did he know that our role models would take a stance against God and that our history of religion classes would get more scientifically advanced? Did he know that our parents would have their own agendas, allowing him to enhance his agenda? I mean, was it his plan to trap mama, grandma, and great grandma all with the same......trying to make it impossible for us to ever prosper at anything?

So, you mean to tell me that even though we know we're called, we have made this life about us? Are we really that selfish? Is this a hopeless generation?

If you did tell me that, I wouldn't believe you. I know better than to believe that.

I Couldn't Have Said It Better.

step one.

took a big step today...

It's no longer acceptable to walk around with a heavy heart & a closed mouth.

Though this may be a little difficult, it's extremely necessary.

I can deal with the pain that is for others...because I realize it's for their edification& I stick it out...

But now, I have to deal with the pain that's for me...the pain that's going to grow me up...that's going to shift me entirely out of comfort zones.

I honestly find this to be the hardest of the two.

"They say the brightest of diamonds are formed under the highest levels of pressure"...

My mentor was right.

She just she told me "You have a huge heart! You love so hard & you hate to see the 'bad' in people. You give everyone the benefit of the doubt & you can't help it."



I definitely aruged with her. & the crazy part is that I believed I was right...guess I just want'd some sense of control. But I definitely won't get it by lying to myself.



But she was quite accurate after all. & the more I learn myself, the more I realize she's normally accurate...lol.



Meet my mentor:

Kai Pineda...better known as Pastor Kai.

Thank God for genuine people.

confession.

I always wanted a turtle...

:0 <---mouth wide open

Sooo...

I was told about a year ago that

"You're around a lot of broken people right now. But you must be obedient, because God is gonna use you to heal these broken people."

Sooo...

It's a struggle, but I do my best to stay before God...because if I live for me, that's just extremely selfish...

Sooo....

Today at church...I was just sit'n there...observing. & I start'd to see how folks are so fake to each other...I witness'd them talking & laugh'n like they're best friends...& then extremely dog'n each other with the same tongue...

I experienced them being described "to a tee" by the Word & the Pastor...& them opening their mouths & say'n..."I wish so & so was here to hear this...they need this"...
(Spec in the eye, much??)

Then I look'd @ all the 40 & 50 year old children...& I thought about their children...& what they could possibly have to offer them if they refuse to grow up...how much could they really be there if they're so dependent on others??

Sooo...

I told God, "This is a toughie...you know nothing frustrates me more than dealing with hypocrisy & selfishness...ESPECIALLY when it directly effects the children! I'll do my best..."

& He said..."I have work I want to do in their lives through you. Don't you dare get in the way!"

(Shut my mouth wide open...)

Moment of Truth

The past can look so tempting!!

"But you know your future is ready when your past is fighting to get you back!!"

P R i D E

Pride…
The strength to my stride.
My pillow to my blanket of sin
My ultimate spot to hide.
He tells me come out…
And I swear I’ve tried
It’s just who I am.
It’s just where I reside…

It’s my answer to low self esteem…
My reassurance that I’m “okay” with things.
It’s my band-aid to reoccurring pain.
To be honest, it’s my everything…

Therefore, no one can tell me anything.
Fiber of my being…
But God hated what He was seeing...

Conviction hit me hard…
And I knew I was being challenged to change.
But the harder I tried,
The more I felt forced to stay the same.

Realized that it was my comfort zones that kept me in one place…
& actually made me believe I was safe.

Lies...
I’ve never been so deceived.
I chose the greatest offense to God.
And chose it with such ease.

He showed me if I didn’t do better, pride would be the death of me…
& I could never be what He call'd me to be.
So I did the hardest thing...
I fell to my knees.

I was guilty. Couldn’t debate it.
He told me arrogance was evil, for Lucifer created it.
I told Him I want’d security, but couldn’t locate it.
And I became plagued by everything I hated.

But I continued to try…
And as I continued to fail, I continued to cry…
Feeling the knot tighten inside…
The thought that “I’d never be free” was clearly implied…
But God.

Broke me down like only He could.
Went to the source of the problem like the therapist should.
Regenerated me new like His word said He would.
Healed me from the pain of my girlhood.

Made things clear to me that only He understood.
Broke the curse of the proud look.

Now I move freely.
Answering what I was called to be.
Knowing that the only person that can fulfill my assignment is me.
And knowing that I’ll only find strength on my knees.

I pray that He is pleased.

Meet Lauren.

This my halarious four year old cousin! Bad...but, a huge piece of my heart, nonetheless.

Phone call with Lauren: May 4, 2010

Me: "Hey! I heard you graduated from preschool Sunday!"

Lauren: "Yes! I Did! We sung little kid songs and everything! I had a dress on. It was too big for me, but it fit."

Me: "Why didn't you call me? You know I didn't want to miss it!"

-that's how I always get her. She doesn't understand the concept of me being "away at school." She just questions why I have to go to school on Sundays...lol. All she knows is sometimes she don't see me for a while...but when she does, she doesn't let me out of her sight.

Lauren: "I'm sorry! You didn't come to church. I would've told you at church, but you don't come to church anymore so I couldn't tell you! Everyone was there without you. Your mommy was there without you...your daddy was there without you..."

Me: "I'm coming Sunday Lauren!"

Lauren: (burst of excitement. screams to both parents)...lol. "We can dress alike. I have a dress...it has dots on it...but it's toddler size, so you probably have to buy one."

Me: "Lol...So, how are things?"

Lauren: "I'M GETTING A POGO STICK!! And a new bike...with games, a horn, and a remote control!"

Me: "Are you ready for all of that??"

Lauren: "Well, I keep falling of my bike. Maybe I need a motorcycle or a car."

Me: (laughs extremely hard!!)

Lauren: (puts Joah on the phone, and even though he's really laughing at me calling his name, she takes the phone back and says he's busy.)

Me: "Are you being good for mommy and daddy?"

Lauren: "Uhmm...I'm going to call you later! Love youuuu!!"

*Classic*

Not Ma Life Story. Just An Analogy.

So there's this guy...I really like him...except I may like him more than he likes me. Like...I always text first, call first...we only see each other if I initiate...& that's only if he feels like it. But when we do see each other, he's real sweet :) He likes to cuddle...& kiss me...I think he loves me! He always makes comments about having sex, but he just be playing tho...I get really mad when I don't hear from him after he leaves me, but once he explains how he was sleep or how his phone was on silent, I forgive him :)

I love when we get to spend time together...we look so cute together! He has a lot of friends...female friends...and even though they may get his number, he walks away with me. bow! I know he ain't tryna get at them. But maybe just the opposite, cuz his fone always goes off when he's with me...he just silences it...won't even look at it. Because he values his time with me:)

I think we're gonna be together for a while...even though we're still talking right now. He don't wanna rush into things...he has trust issues...and I just need to bare with him & show him that I care...

Now that I think about it, we don't talk half as much as we used to...but we talk every nite before bed...that's the only way I can sleep. I think I'm addicted or something...I still pray before I go to bed...I don't know why God seems so far off...farther than he use to... ButI got *him*... so I'm content.

He just has a few flaws...I wish he'd call more, take me out more, express his feelings more, try to hang with me during the daytime, introduce me to his family, take school seriously, stop spending all his time with his boys, try to get a job, get his license, stop talk'n to his mom so bad, go to church at least once a month, put on some real clothes, text/call me back when I text/call, ask me how my day was & actually care to listen, actually try to get to know me, prove to me that he doesn't talk to anyone else, etc.

But look on the bright side...at least he's cute.

True Statement.

Truth Hurts!!.....................
...........especially when you rather believe a lie.

Dear Little Cousins...

Dear Little Cousins,
I have no idea how many times a day I flip through your pictures...I miss ya'll so much. I now regret the times where my patients disappeared & I made ya'll shut up and go to sleep...haha...(sorry). Or the times I feel asleep on ya'll...lol. You've made coming home so rewarding and leaving quite hard...(especially Lauren with the many fits you threw). Missing birthdays was not kool at all...I pray that you'll forgive me. I pray that you'll understand. Ya'll put a smile on my face...one that lasts for days...& one that returns when you cross ma mind. Ya'll make me believe anything is possible...I mean if one of ya'll were to open your mouth & say, "Nishia? Can you bring me one of the pretty stars out of the sky?"...I couldn't bring myself to tell you no. & somehow, my concious wouldn't rest until I got it for you. Understand this: I'm only away so that God can develop me, so I can be the best I can be...in your life. I didn't have a listen'n ear as a child, but I promise that NONE of you will ever suffer from lack of an positive outlet...ever.

To be honest: my assignment can be a tad bit heavy, so sometimes I get lazy and want to give up...but guess wat keeps me goin?:the thought of one of you having tears in your eyes...looking hopeless...and me stand'd before you...helpless...it'll break ma heart in a thousand pieces...It's so many of ya'll, range'n from all ages...so let me take the time to apologize to all of ya'll. I apologize for not being there to make you laugh totake your mind off the painful teeth coming in...watch you take your first steps...stop'n by to hear what happened at school today...or being there fr your first games...not being able to correctly steer feelings for a lil "boyfriend" or "girlfriend"...or not be'n able to help you understand when mom or dad seemed impossible. It won't always be this way. Soon enough, I'll be around often. And even when I'm away, my phone waits for one of you to call me. Just be patient with me. I love you & care tremendously. It'll be extremely clear to you one day. Until then...be good.

-Big Cousin

"Just let me live my life

And let it be pleasing, Lord to thee

And should I gain any praise,

Let it go to Calvary".................

....because JaNishia Marie Chantel Grinston is really just a bunch of words...

thre3.6.5ive

I'm gon miss ya'll...I seriously wanna cry think'n about all of us depart'n. Let me make this clear: I love ya'll.

Amber: We've been tight since Tang...lol. First month of the semester...we've had so many laughs & several fights...life changing trip to North Carolina...

Ashley: I believe I've spent the most time with you...lol...you know I love you roomie! Gonna miss yu beyond words...

Carrissa: Girl, you are halarious!! You a real person yo...& I admire you for that...you gon make it...

Erin: BEST FRIEND!! I love yo little self sooo much! fa real;) & never doubt that...always ma best friend;)

Kaylah: You're a beautiful person yo...thanks for help'n me wit ma twitter game...lolol.

Kiwi: I love you girl! You're such a sweetheart...it may go unspoken, but it doesn't go unnoticed...

mariah: lemme get;) you are the best mariah!! never a dry moment around yu! love you kid...& lemme get...

Paige: I really love you...we got close out of nowhere...you'll be in ma life forever...thanks for new mom & little sister;)

Thea: LYLAS!! Our relationship means a lot to me & I'm look'n forward to the many years you'll be in ma life...love you lylas...

THRE3.6.5IVE

love ya'll forever <3