I read a quote...& it went like this...
"A dying man needs to die, as a sleepy man needs to sleep, and there comes a time when it is wrong, as well as useless, to resist."-Stewart Alsop
This was the quote I needed to hear after becoming addicted to Tye Tribbett's song "Eulogy". Here are some of the lyrics...
"I'm doing my own eulogy...seems like everyone's sad except me...
seems something like a release cause I'm finally free...
Gotta let you go now, you've been hanging on for way too long...
You been taking me down...you and me will never get along...
So goodbye...so long...
Nothing good came out of me and you...that's why it's so easy for me to choose...there's only one thing left for me to do...and that's die to you"...
These lyrics paired with that quote equates to something rather powerful. To die to self...
"If anyone wishes to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me." Matthew 16:24.
There's another quote I read a while ago that stuck with me...
"The main problem with Christians is that they try to live Christ's life without first dying Christ's death."
That's real! What's the point of reading God's word to claim ALL the promises detailed inside and praying his prayers for your selfish desires if you're still "doing you"...Blessings are stored up for the righteous! Not saying God doesn't still love you; just saying you're out of line! There's a death that needs to take place so that live can begin...& it's yours...
"My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." Galatians 2:20.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Wheew!
What a place God has brought me too...
I've had some unproductive days...(the last four days to be exact)...but it was necessary. I learned a lot about myself. Mainly that if I'm not working towards a goal, I'm regressing. There's no "in between" with me, JaNishia Marie Chantel Grinston. There is no "just chilling"...it's too much out here...it's too much "unnaturalness"....(yes, I made it up) within me. Too much pride in my heart that rages against God.
I came to the conclusion that pride is going to be my life long enemy. It's my "thorn in the flesh." It's like spiritual cancer...if not caught & dealt with, it's going to spread to every area of my life. So, I'ma spiritual cancer patient...every issue & struggle I have & ever had can be narrowed down to PRIDE. Therefore, in order to survive, I have to be on meds for the rest of my life, or death will be eneviatable.
Death is simply seperation from God. Like when Adam & Eve ate of the tree...they didn't become DECEASED, but they DID however experience death. God use to walk the garden like it was nothing! & then they were put out. seperated! And how the bible says you'll either experience eternal life with God in Heaven or eternal death in Hell---> separation! So that's death...& that's the death I will experience if I die from this cancer.
You can't tell me pride doesn't separate you from God! When I know I'm not doing right by God, pride makes me the most comfortable heathen in the world! But that's tricky, because I get so comfortable that I ain't tryna pursue God & only give Him the time of day when he chooses to impose into my world. That's sad...because who says He has to? And sometimes He doesn't...
That's separation. That's death.
So how do I maintain life with this pride being the thorn in my side? It's simple. By digesting the Words of Life: my meds. I got to get into my word to keep this thing from spreading and to work towards the root of its existence. I have to combat these unnatural things growing inside of me. But just as with any medication, there are side effects:
I gotta take my meds! Or it's goodbye to my purpose, my relationships, my reason for living...
I've had some unproductive days...(the last four days to be exact)...but it was necessary. I learned a lot about myself. Mainly that if I'm not working towards a goal, I'm regressing. There's no "in between" with me, JaNishia Marie Chantel Grinston. There is no "just chilling"...it's too much out here...it's too much "unnaturalness"....(yes, I made it up) within me. Too much pride in my heart that rages against God.
I came to the conclusion that pride is going to be my life long enemy. It's my "thorn in the flesh." It's like spiritual cancer...if not caught & dealt with, it's going to spread to every area of my life. So, I'ma spiritual cancer patient...every issue & struggle I have & ever had can be narrowed down to PRIDE. Therefore, in order to survive, I have to be on meds for the rest of my life, or death will be eneviatable.
Death is simply seperation from God. Like when Adam & Eve ate of the tree...they didn't become DECEASED, but they DID however experience death. God use to walk the garden like it was nothing! & then they were put out. seperated! And how the bible says you'll either experience eternal life with God in Heaven or eternal death in Hell---> separation! So that's death...& that's the death I will experience if I die from this cancer.
You can't tell me pride doesn't separate you from God! When I know I'm not doing right by God, pride makes me the most comfortable heathen in the world! But that's tricky, because I get so comfortable that I ain't tryna pursue God & only give Him the time of day when he chooses to impose into my world. That's sad...because who says He has to? And sometimes He doesn't...
That's separation. That's death.
So how do I maintain life with this pride being the thorn in my side? It's simple. By digesting the Words of Life: my meds. I got to get into my word to keep this thing from spreading and to work towards the root of its existence. I have to combat these unnatural things growing inside of me. But just as with any medication, there are side effects:
- Love
- Joy
- Peace
- Forbearance
- Gentleness
- Self Control
I gotta take my meds! Or it's goodbye to my purpose, my relationships, my reason for living...
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Part Two.
So...when an issue arises, one of my first thoughts is "Where did this come from?" My pride comes from me being so broken, but choosing not to appear to be. But this time, I dug a little deeper...where did pride come from period?
The earliest story of pride that we have is of Lucifer...when he was an angel in Heaven. He had an important task...(to be God the Father's covering angel.) God was so AMAZING that the other angels in Heaven couldn't look DIRECTLY at Him. Instead they looked at Lucifer, who had all of these jewels built inside of Him to reflect God's glory. SO, when they looked at Lucifer, they saw God and began to worship Him.
Lucifer, of course, thought to himself, "Hmm...if you squint your eyes a bit, it kinda looks like they're bowing to me." And he went to work to see what that would actually feel like. He deceived a third of the angels, because of His pride. He wanted to be worshipped...he wanted attention, because he saw flaws within himself. Instead of embracing how God made him, he chose to want to do his own thing & not appear as the man he saw himself as. Instead of loving himself...he became prideful.
After thinking about this, I was a little blown away, but also disgusted. It's sickening how much of our nature is just like Satan's...
Worship is described as "adoring reverence and regard." #pride. Need I say more? My pride had gotten so bad, where I didn't see the flaws within myself anymore. I slick worship'd myself. My aunt once said, "Worship is not what you do when you come within the four walls. It's a lifestyle." & worship'n myself was my lifestyle. I put myself above all. My desires were above God's desires...and anybody else's for that matter!
When you do stuff like that, you know you're out of line. You know you're not striving to grow.& when you do stuff like that, what makes you all that different from the enemy?
Man, I'm really exploring the dangers of pride & I'm gonna keep sharing so that everyone won't have to go as far as I did.
Everyone sees flaws within themself...that's ok. That only makes you human. But turn to God! Humble yourself...admit that you're broken...ask for healing in that area. I guarantee He'll do it.
He's the ONLY way.
The earliest story of pride that we have is of Lucifer...when he was an angel in Heaven. He had an important task...(to be God the Father's covering angel.) God was so AMAZING that the other angels in Heaven couldn't look DIRECTLY at Him. Instead they looked at Lucifer, who had all of these jewels built inside of Him to reflect God's glory. SO, when they looked at Lucifer, they saw God and began to worship Him.
Lucifer, of course, thought to himself, "Hmm...if you squint your eyes a bit, it kinda looks like they're bowing to me." And he went to work to see what that would actually feel like. He deceived a third of the angels, because of His pride. He wanted to be worshipped...he wanted attention, because he saw flaws within himself. Instead of embracing how God made him, he chose to want to do his own thing & not appear as the man he saw himself as. Instead of loving himself...he became prideful.
After thinking about this, I was a little blown away, but also disgusted. It's sickening how much of our nature is just like Satan's...
Worship is described as "adoring reverence and regard." #pride. Need I say more? My pride had gotten so bad, where I didn't see the flaws within myself anymore. I slick worship'd myself. My aunt once said, "Worship is not what you do when you come within the four walls. It's a lifestyle." & worship'n myself was my lifestyle. I put myself above all. My desires were above God's desires...and anybody else's for that matter!
When you do stuff like that, you know you're out of line. You know you're not striving to grow.& when you do stuff like that, what makes you all that different from the enemy?
Man, I'm really exploring the dangers of pride & I'm gonna keep sharing so that everyone won't have to go as far as I did.
Everyone sees flaws within themself...that's ok. That only makes you human. But turn to God! Humble yourself...admit that you're broken...ask for healing in that area. I guarantee He'll do it.
He's the ONLY way.
Part 1.
Ok..."pride"...smh.
Learn something new everyday in this area...
So, the other night, I was journaling...(which is a miraculous process. I recommend it to everyone!)...& I started seeing words on the paper that formed ideas that had never crossed my mind before!
I started to think about some of the most perverse things I've done & how I despise myself for it...& then I was like, "Hold up! I despise myself?"...Wow. Didn't know. SO then I came face to face with some issues concerning self that I never dealt with. I then saw how I perceived myself and it disturbed me.
Then God showed me my pride and how it coincides with the issues I have with myself. For example, when the semester was about to end, I had some huge breakdowns! I wanted to return to somethings that I have been free from for a good amount of time! Why? Because I felt like, "Why not? & Who gon stop me?" I knew that regression will completely demolish my personal development & I was ok with that. I knew what I was doing to myself and couldn't wait to do it.
There's a lot of deception involved in pride tho...cuz I'm think'n "I'm look'n out for myself..take'n care of myself...(& who gon stop me?)"...but I was completely about to ruin myself.
& I knew it.
What does all this mean? God showed me that if I don't deal with my issues with self, that being prideful will be the closest I'll ever come to "loving myself."
This blew me away, because it made all the sense in the world...I can honestly say I'm not aware of my value and my worth...pride has blinded me! I've believed that I must settle for whatever the flesh desires, because I can do what I want & "Who's gon stop me?"
I gotta stop myself! So I can begin to love myself.
Learn something new everyday in this area...
So, the other night, I was journaling...(which is a miraculous process. I recommend it to everyone!)...& I started seeing words on the paper that formed ideas that had never crossed my mind before!
I started to think about some of the most perverse things I've done & how I despise myself for it...& then I was like, "Hold up! I despise myself?"...Wow. Didn't know. SO then I came face to face with some issues concerning self that I never dealt with. I then saw how I perceived myself and it disturbed me.
Then God showed me my pride and how it coincides with the issues I have with myself. For example, when the semester was about to end, I had some huge breakdowns! I wanted to return to somethings that I have been free from for a good amount of time! Why? Because I felt like, "Why not? & Who gon stop me?" I knew that regression will completely demolish my personal development & I was ok with that. I knew what I was doing to myself and couldn't wait to do it.
There's a lot of deception involved in pride tho...cuz I'm think'n "I'm look'n out for myself..take'n care of myself...(& who gon stop me?)"...but I was completely about to ruin myself.
& I knew it.
What does all this mean? God showed me that if I don't deal with my issues with self, that being prideful will be the closest I'll ever come to "loving myself."
This blew me away, because it made all the sense in the world...I can honestly say I'm not aware of my value and my worth...pride has blinded me! I've believed that I must settle for whatever the flesh desires, because I can do what I want & "Who's gon stop me?"
I gotta stop myself! So I can begin to love myself.
Dec. 23rd.
Facebook is deactivated...Twitter is gone...(which SUCKS cuz I had JUST got a new follower...smh)...but this is by far the most success I've had all day.
Today was a bummy day...slept all day, because I stay'd up until 7 AM...didn't hit the gym...(big disappointment.) I DID however spend time with my Mom in the kitchen...(which is new). I'm really anticipating my brother & sister's arrival tomorrow! I miss just chill'n with them...talk'n and laugh'n about random stuff. My brothers and I act JUST alike! SO we make ALL the memories in the WORLD when we get together! I can't wait...
I'm going to do a bit of reading tonight...closing myself in my room around 10 PM. To study my Word, read PURE HEART & journal. & actually sleep!
I'm going over my aunt's next week...also going to make an effort to spend time with my Papa. Will probably make my aspiration to take over one of his productions known.
Been learning a lot about myself, despite all the random stuff pop'n off. I have a sense of peace about it all tho. So, I'm content.
Even tho content is not where I wanna be concerning my development...I'm disturbed by my performance last semester. So if I'm going back with the same mindset, I might as well not go back. I can sit down & listen to ALL the lectures in the world, but until I decide to make a change within myself, their words will be falling on deaf ears.
OneGoal:GROWTH.
Come January 6th, "productive" will be an understatement.
Today was a bummy day...slept all day, because I stay'd up until 7 AM...didn't hit the gym...(big disappointment.) I DID however spend time with my Mom in the kitchen...(which is new). I'm really anticipating my brother & sister's arrival tomorrow! I miss just chill'n with them...talk'n and laugh'n about random stuff. My brothers and I act JUST alike! SO we make ALL the memories in the WORLD when we get together! I can't wait...
I'm going to do a bit of reading tonight...closing myself in my room around 10 PM. To study my Word, read PURE HEART & journal. & actually sleep!
I'm going over my aunt's next week...also going to make an effort to spend time with my Papa. Will probably make my aspiration to take over one of his productions known.
Been learning a lot about myself, despite all the random stuff pop'n off. I have a sense of peace about it all tho. So, I'm content.
Even tho content is not where I wanna be concerning my development...I'm disturbed by my performance last semester. So if I'm going back with the same mindset, I might as well not go back. I can sit down & listen to ALL the lectures in the world, but until I decide to make a change within myself, their words will be falling on deaf ears.
OneGoal:GROWTH.
Come January 6th, "productive" will be an understatement.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
brief recap.
MAN!
I can honestly say that these last couple of days have been the most productive days I've had in a LONG time! I'm enjoying better'n myself! Tryna stop trip'n off yesterday...& just move on...
Plan'n to deactivate FB tonite...(it's a distraction for me). Twitter has to go...(I don't like to tweet! I only want followers...it's a #pride thing)...
Been reading Shellie Warren's PURE HEART. It's so good! I see myself in that book! I'm learning a lot.
(I'll give a more detailed recap when I'm settled tonite...my little cousin Ethan wants me to play basketball with him now.)
Gimme a min...
I can honestly say that these last couple of days have been the most productive days I've had in a LONG time! I'm enjoying better'n myself! Tryna stop trip'n off yesterday...& just move on...
Plan'n to deactivate FB tonite...(it's a distraction for me). Twitter has to go...(I don't like to tweet! I only want followers...it's a #pride thing)...
Been reading Shellie Warren's PURE HEART. It's so good! I see myself in that book! I'm learning a lot.
(I'll give a more detailed recap when I'm settled tonite...my little cousin Ethan wants me to play basketball with him now.)
Gimme a min...
Monday, December 20, 2010
Lecrae.Background.Rehab.
"Just let me shadow you.
Just let me trace you lines.
Matter fact, just take my being.
Here; you create my rhymes.
Cause if I do this by myself, I'm scared that I'll suceeed.
And no longer trust in you; cause I only trust in me..."
I can play the background...
I can play the background...
Cause I know sometimes I get in the way...
So won't you take lead...
Won't you take lead...
& I can play the background...
& You can take the LEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAADDDD!
"So lemme fall back & stop giving my suggestions...
Cuz when I follow my obsessions I end up confessing...
That I'm not that impressive...
Matter fact, I'm who I are...
A trail of stardust leading to the Superstar..."
Just let me trace you lines.
Matter fact, just take my being.
Here; you create my rhymes.
Cause if I do this by myself, I'm scared that I'll suceeed.
And no longer trust in you; cause I only trust in me..."
I can play the background...
I can play the background...
Cause I know sometimes I get in the way...
So won't you take lead...
Won't you take lead...
& I can play the background...
& You can take the LEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAADDDD!
"So lemme fall back & stop giving my suggestions...
Cuz when I follow my obsessions I end up confessing...
That I'm not that impressive...
Matter fact, I'm who I are...
A trail of stardust leading to the Superstar..."
One Goal: GROWTH.
This break couldn't come at a better time...I was on the brink of completely loosing myself...
Which makes sense...I clung to the things of that were sweet to the eyes & the mind...I left Christ...he was too real for the moment.
I remember saying. "I've lost sight of who I am." & everybody that got ahold of me was like, "Hold on...this ain't you! What's up?!"
It only makes sense that I would loose myself if I'm lost without Christ, since He's my identity...
So, my #gameplan is to take this break to completely regroup...get back on track...hear from God.
Which makes sense...I clung to the things of that were sweet to the eyes & the mind...I left Christ...he was too real for the moment.
I remember saying. "I've lost sight of who I am." & everybody that got ahold of me was like, "Hold on...this ain't you! What's up?!"
It only makes sense that I would loose myself if I'm lost without Christ, since He's my identity...
So, my #gameplan is to take this break to completely regroup...get back on track...hear from God.
- Twitter will be deleted
- Facebook will be temporarily deactivated
- There will be a bed time set.
- Gym every morning.
- No secular music.
- Monitor what I watch.
- No eating after 10.
- Finish S.W.'s New Book
I plan to blog everyday to document the process and my progress.
One Goal: GROWTH!
Sunday, December 19, 2010
R.I.P. PRIDE
There's so much to pride...
You have the all out rebellious pride! "Do What Thou Wilt" kind of pride..."I answer to me!" kinda pride...
Now, I've been there before. Killed that! But pride has manifested itself in some more areas! In my relationships!
Especially the ungodly ones..I've been too prideful to let them go..."in case" I fall and need enablers to get into something...
But even my godly ones? Yea...I found pride there too...& you gotta watch that, cuz that kinda pride will have you milk'n your Goldy relationship for God, as opposed to going to him on your own. It'll have you depending on your brothers' and sisters' proverbs instead of get'n in your word yourself. You'll get your "fix" from just sit'n around talk'n about God...it's #allbad. & then you become dependent...
My pride almost damaged one of my relationships that I cherish the most...she spilled her heart out to me concerning how she cares for me...& a few hours later, I was back in the same neighborhood she had JUST snatched me from. Though, I heard her words in the back of my head, I had to decipher how that would play out in my decision making process.
Me...(personally)...didn't care, but I was moved that she cared so much! Still did my thing, because I didn't wanna feel like I was abstaining for anyone besides myself. #pride.
Storm out of the apt with a wet face...not thinking clearly...said I felt hopeless, because I couldn't see myself changing. #pride.
Walk'n around broken...barely make'n it, but I close my mouth...don't even let my closest ones close to me, because I FEEL like I should be past this point! #pride
Pride kills everything that has potential...it's growth's number one enemy! Either I'm gon live or die bruh...
I choose life!
So R.I.P. pride...
(moment of silence...)
You have the all out rebellious pride! "Do What Thou Wilt" kind of pride..."I answer to me!" kinda pride...
Now, I've been there before. Killed that! But pride has manifested itself in some more areas! In my relationships!
Especially the ungodly ones..I've been too prideful to let them go..."in case" I fall and need enablers to get into something...
But even my godly ones? Yea...I found pride there too...& you gotta watch that, cuz that kinda pride will have you milk'n your Goldy relationship for God, as opposed to going to him on your own. It'll have you depending on your brothers' and sisters' proverbs instead of get'n in your word yourself. You'll get your "fix" from just sit'n around talk'n about God...it's #allbad. & then you become dependent...
My pride almost damaged one of my relationships that I cherish the most...she spilled her heart out to me concerning how she cares for me...& a few hours later, I was back in the same neighborhood she had JUST snatched me from. Though, I heard her words in the back of my head, I had to decipher how that would play out in my decision making process.
Me...(personally)...didn't care, but I was moved that she cared so much! Still did my thing, because I didn't wanna feel like I was abstaining for anyone besides myself. #pride.
Storm out of the apt with a wet face...not thinking clearly...said I felt hopeless, because I couldn't see myself changing. #pride.
Walk'n around broken...barely make'n it, but I close my mouth...don't even let my closest ones close to me, because I FEEL like I should be past this point! #pride
Pride kills everything that has potential...it's growth's number one enemy! Either I'm gon live or die bruh...
I choose life!
So R.I.P. pride...
(moment of silence...)
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