Happy Birthday To Me!

Before the day begins...lemme say THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!

I'm head'd into my second decade in a few minutes & it's all because of you.

Never ever thought I'd even see it...but YOU knew...

& because of you I'm free to enjoy life & learn from my teenage years...

I did a lot...

But I won't continue in cycles anymore...

I'm no longer a baby who was scared to trust you...

I'm a young adult now who's entering into a relationship with you...

& I owe it all to you...

Thank You!

Pearl.

Muthaaaa!♥

Hey girl! I miss you soooo much! Been think'n about you so much lately...it's been over a year now & I still can't get with the concept of you being gone...I just know I haven't seen you in a while...

Wow...I miss you...#sigh. I miss yu so much. & even though a lot is going on in life, I still remember all you taught me...

& even though every single temptation is alive & well here at school, I still remember the promise I made you...

Don't wanna make this long at all...just know that I love you. & your legacy is alive & well...& will continue on...

I named my car Pearl :) Papa gave me the BMW...& I couldn't think of a better name...we were in the guitar room talking after he gave it to me & was showing me his favorite guitar...& he named it Hattie Pearl♥

I remember the last time you were in the hospital...I didn't want to come, but they said I should...so I did. I came in the room...tried to be kool, but I threw a fit in the corner...because I knew....I knew I wouldn't have you too much longer with you...

& then when they put you on hospus, I knew...that huge family prayer we had in your room that night was vital for so many people! Because we knew...we knew we would have to step up be there for each other...we all knew.

I remember getting in trouble for coming in the house at 4 & 5 AM...because I didn't want to leave your bedside...I didn't realize how hard I was holding on until my Dad told me, "You can't make her stay...staying all night watching her sleep isn't going to make her stay"...#truthhurts.

Because I was DETERMINED TO MAKE YOU STAY! But I was being selfish...

I remember when I got that call that Saturday morning...

"Hey, Nishia...how are you? That's good...uhmm, are you by yourself? Ok, well, Mutha passed this morning.....Hello? Nishia?"

Yea.....I hated that call...your funeral was beautiful, but that last part......it tore me up...

Sorry to reflect so much...I just miss you. & my memories are all I have of you now...I miss you.

I want to end on a positive note, but all I can say is I miss you.....................................

I always gotta be the bigger person...

But #shrug...it's not that hard for me.

I was created that way...

I've never been a physical cutter.......
...but because I've always suppressed everything, I now have to prick my heart a little just to let my thoughts bleed...

A teacher that lacks transparency is only a speaker.

There's nothing easy about complete submission...
...but there's nothing wise about leaning to your own understanding.

Mini-Epiphany.

You can truly see what has an hold on you when you consider the consequences before you act, & still choose to act...& you never realize what's hindering you until you strive to grow...you never can see what's really around you until you hit the light...

I got a lot of "doors of opportunities" in front of me at this very moment...very minute...very second. But in order to step through those doors, I have to step out of the rooms that I'm in at this very moment...very minute...very second. & I have to close the door.

I've been talking to my sisters about the door posts I'm standing in as of now...seems as though several of them have been in the exact same spot. Knowing what's holding them...knowing what has them bound...and not necessarily being kool with it, but accepting it...more or less...

Funny how the light from the rooms ahead of me cast shadows in the room that I'm currently considering leaving...also making things in this current room look much bigger, closer, and stronger than I've heard they should be...my reality is distorted. THANK GOD for my sisters...

To even consider stepping a foot outside of this room will mean moving more towards the light...which means becoming more vulnerable...more open...more exposed...

But the light is a gentle light...bright enough to captivate your attention, but not to the point where you can't look into it...it seems to bring a calmness over you and begins to draw you...draw you in...draw you in...until you're in...

Knowing this, I still stand in my door post...starring at the rooms ahead...knowing I gotta make a move...

I think it's about time I make my move.

Spoken Truth

This is about as real as it gets...♥

Story of Pain.

1997: Once upon time,...pain walk'd into JaNishia's life. Introduced himself & they became very familiar with each other...she was shocked to find pain there...how in THE WORLD did it find its way in?? Both of her parents were in the home...they were regular church goers...but pain found all the cracks and filled them...

2010: Pain has been fruitful and multiplied and made it's home in JaNishia's heart...it has built a wall that will only let some in and let the others only so close...it controls all of her emotions...and when pain is about to be exposed, it releases anger to completely mask what's really there: pain. & at this point, when he makes his usual apperances, she doesn't even acknowledge him...it's awkward for her...she's dealt with an "elephant in the room" for over ten years...avoiding pain is second nature to her.

pain is very inferior to God tho...when He comes in, pain muse flee...that's why whenever JaNishia gets into His presence, all she can do is cry...& cry...& cry...the hard, ugly cry because God is push'n the pain to the surface so that He can fill her completely...God is forcing pain back to hell, because those cracks, those vacant cracks, belong to Him.